Phineas T. Barnum would be beaming today with word that the dearly departed Chang and Eng, his beloved and original Siamese twins, have returned and assumed the singularly preposterous names of John Kerry and Russ Feingold.
and Phineas being Barnum, recognizing their reappearance as a real money maker, would be rounding up the big top; standing full square in the middle ring in a top hat, striped blazer, and hollering through a megaphone; enlisting the high wire acts; piling scantily clad women onto galloping horses; filling the bleachers with hayseed rubes; and cajoling a supremely pliant press with obsequious blandishments.
Hey, wait a minute, isn't that what's going on the liberal press anyway with their wholesale swooning at the mere mention of the opening revues of the Kerry/Feingold lounge act?
No rat pack this, but a full suited, club tied, shiny shoes, over the calf socks, died in the wool sort of liberal progressive political talk-a-thon of a humdrum drone about the war on terror, which the Beech Nut Boys have termed the Iraq Conflagration with an immediate need for a hasty pudding of a retreat, with shades of Vietnam, where Mr. Kerry first earned his shabby international appeal and appeared with Suki Tawdry.
and as the two boyos begin to croon and sway together to the music and the tinkle of glasses for kisses among the lovelorn, there's an ongoing contest to name them, in an attempt to get the maximum traction on the big neon boards in front of the Democratic casinos out there in the bright lights.
after all, the lively spirit of Mr. P. Taylor Barnum is watching and waiting.
and it always, because of their shared stature, stunted outlooks, and mutual concern about the coiffures, comes down to twins.
and we have our choice of the Bobsey Twins, the Gold Dust Twins, Pete and Repeat, Up and Down, the Long and Short of it, the Space Cadets, Twin Beaks, Thor's Twins, the Thompson Twins, a great play on needed diversity in the exalted ranks of the party that preaches it all the time, and, of course, just Twins, with Danny DeVito and the arnold for dead ringers, among others which come rapidly to mind.
and then there's the poor conjoined Chang and Eng, Barnum's star attractions, not unlike the sorrier Mr. Kerry and Mr. Feingold, who are now joined in politics, dress, ways of life and now, in the papers, on television, and at the hip, forever.
It has been announced that Ms. Katie Couric is soon to undertake a prolonged "listening" trip, where she will throw herself on the good graces of exceedingly diverse groups of properly vetted liberal disciples - who must complete a complicated series of questions in triplicate to be considered worthy to appear before the diminutive Perkster. Katie is preparing herself for the exigent demands to be faced in the routine shoveling of the warm foetid progressive line, by being routinely softballed by specially prepared left of center questions on accepted progressive Stalinist dogma.
and it's being suggested that Mr. Kerry and Mr. Feingold, the topsy turvy Romulus and Remus, open a whistle stop on this "tour" of a lifetime, where they can hammer their presentations into shape in a submersion in Ms. Couric's heavy mental factory and forge their Weltanschauung in her tumultuous foundry.
Just look at what the Today Show has done for Katie. It has encouraged someone with no talent, no sense of history, a proven inability to connect with anyone with the slightest grounding in science or classics, and one capable of blindly parroting the pure left-wing line in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, to persevere and succeed with little more than looks, incessant perkiness, and a wildly petulant insouciance.
It could do the same for the Kerry/Feingold twins — smart men who should know better than believe in the utter pap, balderdash, and tommyrot they're steadily pushing out, day after day, in an almost endless fashion, reminiscent of an old Ford Model-T production line — save for Henry Ford's obviously advanced methods and a useable product.
after all, Mr. Kerry and Mr. Feingold are preparing for primetime and future elections with their latest stage and scream production, the Road to Retreat, or is it Withdrawal, it's hard to remember, there've been so many titles, recast votes, and changes of mind. anyway, the theme song is Beat It, and it's produced by Parry DeCamp.
Without giving away the plot, here are a few money lines from the play.
"Russ made the right vote, I made the wrong vote, it's that simple," Mr. Kerry gamely explained away his confusion on senatorial balloting.
While Mr. Feingold added, "So we just decided to cooperate in order to strengthen our hand, and not just be operating on our own," as he laughingly reached for the last card in a final heated game of War being played in the production trailer.
Remember that Chang and Eng have risen from the dead, that P.T. Barnum would be proud of the outright hilarity found in the excessive panegyrics encumbering the liberal press accounts belaboring their incredible exploits, their heady political discourse, the depths of polite disquisition attached to their every word, and the blindness of the rubes in the cheap seats.
Mr. Kerry and Mr. Feingold are on the road, all right, joined at the hip. Watch out!
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