Hard on the heels of the revelations in Real Clear Politics of Pinch Sulzberger's sad discovery that Karl Rove has been a managing employee of the New York Times for many years, where he has presided over the recent fiascoes which have so dogged the Times, Mr. Jonathan Klein, CNN's feckless US President, has notified the world that he has discovered problems of a similar nature at his failing fog factory.
Long noted for a decided left wing bent, for holding up crass Democratic electioneering as news, for skewing any positive news on the economy toward outright depression era sloganeering, for draping any good news in Iraq with black veils of mourning, for pushing slanted push polling as honest reporting, and for their unbounded public support of any Democratic lawmaker, whatever crime is being investigated, CNN has found itself slipping deeper into an unpopular radical chic in the past few months.
Mr. Klein, after being forced to weather the twin storms of the widespread accusations of selling his soul in getting hold of angelina Jolie for an interview and for dumping the bozos formerly known as Crossfire, is now faced with a greater terror to root out — the stern, calcified, recalcitrant, and imposing visage of Mr. Ward Churchill.
and the whole long and uniquely shabby affair played itself out as Mr. Jonathan Klein leaned back in his custom leather chair, in his glassed in office, high in the skyline, as he was painfully observed by every airliner fly past, wondering if an errant terrorist might choose to fly it directly into his face or if Ward Churchill was aboard, laughing at him.
The Churchill episode began some time back when he began receiving calls that Ward had simply arrived at CNN and taken up occupancy at an unused desk in the newsroom.
Because Mr. Churchill is a pseudo-Indian, and by being so possesses certain rights as a Native american in the vaporous PC land at CNN, he couldn't just be chucked out. No, he had to be negotiated away. His plan, it now appears in hindsight, all along.
But before that process could begin, those memos began to appear in the HR department and payroll.
They were routine in nature, were attached to the proper forms, and were signed by names possessing great gravitas, such as Crow King, Gall, Washington Irving, and Irving Washington. They called for Mr. Churchill's routine increase in pay, advancement, they were automatically approved, and Mr. Churchill steadily advanced from cub, to reporter, to assistant producer, producer, and on to managing producer of the news division, before anyone dared tell Mr. Klein that a cigar store Indian was telling Wolf Blitzer what to say, how to bob his head, and when to smile.
With the advancements came the dithering, as the departments from HR, legal, payroll, public relations, production, the physical plant, programming, and Mr. Blitzer's dresser began to hem and haw over this dreadful state of affairs.
Everyone agreed that Mr. Churchill didn't belong there, that his ideas on the news were killing ratings, that his reckless activities were endangering the staff, his behavior was appalling, that he was grossly argumentative with anyone with a contrary view to his, he was continually plagiarizing the works of others, often lifting direct quotes from other networks in real time, and that he slept in the elevators and under his desk, disrupting the daily routine in the offices under his increasingly iron grip.
However, he continually dodged the meetings set up to discuss his behavior, he threatened to sue all and sundry when asked to show a modicum of decency, and he often disappeared for days on end, purportedly to teach at a Colorado college where he claimed to be a highly paid and popular drama professor.
Most of all, Mr. Klein realized, Mr. Churchill was a growing problem and was affecting the way CNN was perceived in the marketplace, where their percentage of viewers continued in a precipitous decline following the ascension of Mr. Churchill to the newsroom throne.
It is not easy being President of CNN. Mr. Ted Turner is gone, along with his wit, humor and his coarse and abrasive former wife — the one-time gun layer for the North Vietnamese. Ratings are always in a downward spiral. The last great market place for CNN is at the nation's airports and even there, Fox News is making inroads now that travelers, even travelers with kids, demand a small modicum of truth during the course of their sojourns.
Finally, Mr. Klein developed a plan to rid CNN of Mr. Churchill's corrosive influence. They would ignore him. and quickly.
He called all the departments and told them of his plan. and folks began to immediately pay no attention at all to the comings and goings, the braying, the tomfoolery, the asininities, and the disappearances of Ward Churchill.
His attendance at the meetings he'd called dropped off as precipitously as Cynthia McKinney's appearances at her debates with her political opponents. In the past few days he's even failed to pick up his last two pay checks.
My, oh my, Mr. Klein reflected, if only we had paid no attention to Mr. Churchill to begin with. If only we'd thrown away his memos, pay vouchers, and pretended he wasn't there. Why he'd have been gone months ago.
Then Mr. Jonathan Klein, in a rare fit of expressive passion, lit a big cigar and smiled at the success of his plans.
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