By John Burtis
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Last Sunday, Hoppy the Kangaroo hit the silk and went on a walk-about on farmer John Walsh's land in Kinsale until Tuesday morning, local Irish time, when he was carried from the Brown Bull Tavern by operatives from Democratic Chairman Howard Dean's office.
Hoppy had made a name for himself with his high jumps over the Garda vehicles sent to round him up, his classic escapes through the numerous farm yards, and his growing popularity among the local children because of his amusing antics and the small toys he offered them from his growing pouch.
Mr. Howard Dean, no fool mind you - with an ear to the ground and a weather eye cocked for anything resembling positive public relations outside the dull dreary same old same old of the useless Democratic pap he is always pushing onto the weary crowds and into the Bel-Tone hearing aids of the elderly liberals he persistently shakes down in the name of Hillary, Russ, Teddy Boy and Johnny K - was shaken from his doldrums and immediately grasped the supreme significance this solitary kangaroo could offer the national party.
Late Monday night, he dispatched a strike team on aer Lingus to round up Hoppy, telling the boyos that he's brook no failures on this, the most important Democratic operation since those great cointelpro jobs in 2004. He then described the many benefits which accrued from the tire slashing episodes in Milwaukee and the seemingly endless exhumation of the dead required in both Ohio and New Jersey for votes, while leaving out the arrests and convictions in the former and the numerous judges' orders ending the latter.
Following their landing, the usual questioning by a highly suspicious customs agent concerning their equipment, and the assembly of their gear, the lads set off for Kinsale, Hoppy, for Howard Dean, and for the greater glory of Democrats everywhere.
after downing a few Black and Tans in Paddy O'Sheas', they acquired information leading them to the Brown Bull in Kinsale, where a large bit of earnest money resulted in information that Hoppy was asleep out back in the rear of the proprietor's truck under a tarp, having consumed a large quantity of Old Bushmills single malt and a few pickled herrings.
They immediately captured a tipsy Hoppy with a large net they'd brought along for just such a happenstance and were off.
Mr. Dean, eager to avoid an incident with exotic animals, had the hapless Roo offloaded onto a helicopter, then to a private jet, which flew poor hung over Hoppy directly from Dublin, in the company of the rogues who Shanghaied him, to New York City, where Hillary Clinton holds sway and can get her way on most anything. This enabled Mr. Dean to unpack the bedraggled Hoppy in New Rochelle in the relative quiet at a Democratic safe house, where the proper kibbles, australian music, and assorted native fauna, including wallabies, a bandicoot, two kiwis, a kookaburra, and a Koala, awaited him in the expansive fenced-in yard.
Within hours of Hoppy's arrival, Mr. Dean arrived with a number of his staff and began filming the magical advertisements which would propel the Democrats back into power in the local, state, and national elections in November.
and Howard Dean found that Hoppy could do it all. Far more talented than that detestable Geico gecko, happier than a junk yard dog, easier to manipulate than John Kerry, far more jocular than Russ Feingold, smarter than Cindy Sheehan, easier to listen to than Nancy Pelosi, and able to learn his lines quicker than Ted Kennedy — it seemed that the arrival of Hoppy the Kangaroo was serendipitous, would finally turn the tide, and knock the Republicans dead in the fall.
But Wednesday morning Howard awoke to find the front door open, a trail of crumbs leading across the steps, the Koala asleep in his cage, his staff nowhere to be found, while cold fear crept across his blue stubbled mien.
Where was Hoppy?
My God. Where is Hoppy?
a few moments later a few members of the film crew drifted in the front door with a story about playing cards with Hoppy, the Koala, a bandicoot or two, while drinking prodigious amounts of Foster's beer, then falling asleep as the night wore on.
"and nobody put Hoppy to bed, I suppose," Mr. Dean choked.
Looking sheepish, the team returned outside and began hopelessly calling for Hoppy.
Carl Nofinder, the camera man also explained to Mr. Dean that, yes, they had also allowed Hoppy to see the rough un-cut versions of his ads and he had apparently hopped off with them in his pouch, after waiting for the group to fall asleep courtesy of their many libations.
as Howard looked around the room, he spied the children's toys which had previously occupied Hoppy scattered around the floor.
The New Rochelle Police Department at first dismissed the many calls they received Wednesday afternoon about a kangaroo seen hopping through yards in the upscale areas, that is, until Mr. Howard Dean finally made that fateful call around 3:20 p.m., after applying some Dutch courage, to spill the beans about Hoppy, his knowledge of the affair, and the location of the one time safe house.
Hoppy, meanwhile, loves his new environs and is being chased, this time, by Republican operatives, who would love to see the latest in high ticket Democratic advertisements featuring a credible kangaroo, Howard Dean as both Director and Producer, and alec Baldwin as a stunt double.
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