By John Burtis
Friday, September 1, 2006
(The following was reportedly found blowing down Constitution avenue, in a crumpled condition, with a few coffee stains and a number of green pencil markings on it, including the cryptic, "Yikes, Shred aSaP-HR") by a commuter):
Praise allah and be of good spirits for the day of victory is nigh upon us.
Your hard work and praiseworthy labor on behalf of the growing forces of Islam, God willing, will soon bear fruit and the cowardly Infidels among you, including your hated President, George Bush, and the Godless Donald Rumsfeld, his lackeys, and the running Neocon dogs, will soon find themselves occupying the caves from which your coal is mined -- the same coal which enlightened leaders, like the wise and fabled Mr. al Gore, damn as destructive to our holy Islamic atmosphere.
Soon our united forces, the powers of a renewed Islam and those of a resurgent Democratic Party, will sweep the abhorrent Republicans from power, halt the worldwide war on our peaceful intentions, smash a resurgent Pentagon, corral the growing powers of a despised wartime President, halt the eavesdropping on our innocent telephone calls to our placatory friends, relatives and charities in america, and stem the crackdown on our holy counterfeiting efforts directed against your valueless currency-- of which you seem to have far too much.
Our new friendship, entwined in our dual efforts for peace, will see the USa withdraw from Iraq, all of the Near East, and cease its sale of weapons to Israel. Under the enlightened leadership of the new Democratic Party, with whom we will gladly work to achieve your aims and ours, Israel will no longer receive US aid, and Hezbollah and Hamas will be allowed to properly rearm and occupy their proper places at the tables of peace and occupy Haifa, Jerusalem, Nazareth, and Tel aviv-- all under the wise tutelage of former President Jimmy Carter, a tough but fair negotiator, whose successes, like those of Mr. Kofi annan's, are legion in the Near East.
all we ask of you, Mr. Harry Reid, is to constantly pursue your same course of action, heedlessly, over and over again, without fear for the results, and our money will flow into your coffers, our prayers, praise God, will defend your actions and keep you safe from the predations of your own citizenry in Nevada, and from those Christians and the like minded who question your assault on their puritan sensibilities with your open support for the aCLU, the great destroyer of the antagonistic american culture and religion.
This letter has been dispatched to you at great risk, with the great personal sacrifice of many couriers, because it is well known in the Islamic world that you are a believer in the destruction of Israel and share a hope with al-Qaeda for the continued and utterly open southern border of america, which allows the millions of illiterate and unskilled workers and their families entry, the very cancer which will destroy the Great Satan's economy, as well as access for thousands of vicious criminals, the backbone of the new Democratic Party.
and because Haryy abdul bin assiz Reid, as you are called in Khost and are so named in Paktika, works to allow our thousand brothers in al-Qaeda free passage into america as swimmers in this gigantic flood, and has tried as an instrument of God to destroy the vile Patriot act, he is also my brother. May God praise Haryy Reid, the brother of ayman al-Zawahiri, and the father of the new america.
However, Nancy Memsahib Pelosi, must not be allowed to attain the great and yet still forbidden post for which she has laid claim. Know then that women are inferior to men, Haryy Reid, and this must not come to pass or our hoped for partnership, that which we have spoken of for so long and have so fervently wished, may result in further destruction.
But fear not, Democrats, we are after all, all brothers in the war against President Bush and the idea that the votes cast by actual citizens should count towards an actual official total. For you have our word that we will support you when it comes time to cite the irregularities and name the cities and counties upon whom the Prophet has turned his back during the hated and evil election process.
and rest assured that we will even praise the false prophet, Jesse Jackson, when the time comes and you indicate it is right so to do, and raise his name to Heaven when he claims minorities have been wronged for the 10,000th time in this voting game.
Like the Nile crocodile, however, which always eats the idealistic and progressive villagers, who have fed it hoping to avoid its eager grinning hunger, last, we will save you, the kow-towing supine liberal members of the Democratic Party, until the very end of the long line for the choice of adapting Islam or the immediate beheading. You have earned this favor by your open support of our Islamist cause.
In this way, you will finally understand, praise God, that we have afforded you every courtesy for your continual gestures of appeasement, the forsaking of your Israeli and European allies, your outlandish persecution of the Christians inhabiting your own country, your money grubbing from George Soros - a driven fifth columnist and Quisling of the greatest degree imaginable for an unbeliever - your utter failure to secure your own borders, your stolid belief in wholesale retreat over any war to rescue your country from our hands, and the enormous energy you expend in hauling defeat from the jaws of victory in Iraq, enabling our triumph.
Please, Haryy abdul bin assiz Reid, give my very best to your brothers in the Democratic Party, and, God be praised, pass on my best wishes to ameen John Murtha, John Faarrasha Kerry, Ted Kabeera Badeena Kennedy, John Hallaqa Edwards, Hillary Mumtaaza Shahida Clinton and the rest of your gallant hooky playing leaders.
You are my brothers, Praise God, Osama.
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