By John Burtis
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Listening to Perry Como's, "Christmas Dream,” on the way back from my relatives Tuesday, I suddenly realized my manifold shortcomings, just as I realized that my liberal friends are right, and it's time to affect a sea change in my behavior.
Having survived the Great Election of 2006, where the walls came tumbling down, when the Democrats mopped the floors with the Republicans, and when the anachronistic Constitution of the United States was readied for derision and jettisoning, it's time for me to "get with” the new america, which will be sworn in a few short days.
Sure, I've been a conservative Republican for far too long, and now I must publicly atone for my sins as part of my long awaited progressive rehabilitation.
and because the new Democrats will be visiting me sooner rather than later, I'd better get my show on the road before I'm hanged for my early transgressions, which are all too scarlet in nature.
First of all, I'm so sorry that I believed in the Bible for so damnably long and thank Heavens I've chucked organized religion in the nick of time. Being a lifelong Methodist, it's time to buy into the ongoing concerns about marriage of any conceivable type, the diminution of the value of the teachings of Jesus, the recognition that Christ was just another happy go lucky guy on the stump, like, oh, the sainted Bill Clinton, who will someday die for our sins, and that Christianity is a much bigger problem than fascist Islam, al-Qaeda, and Hezbollah, all put together.
Luckily, I now realize that Christianity is second only to George Bush as the most dangerous element existing in american life today.
Having examined the election results and read of the new Democratic plans to dump the old document, all the more imminent now that the believers and practitioners of materialistic and secular humanism own almost every seat in the Capitol, I realize what an incredibly dull, constrained, and unfair a piece of paper the US Constitution really is.
Can you actually imagine a 200-year-old country being forced to adhere to such a charter, no matter how prescient and well constructed it is?
Luckily, I can see the many merits in the Supreme Court's foreign outreach, too, and I can finally understand how important it is when the Court pulls in rulings from Botswana, Papua New Guinea, and Tasmania, overlooking our rather disturbing Constitution to buttress their liberal schemata, which are concocted out of thin air, cheap cloth, and smoke and mirrors, to help us.
It's also time to apologize to all those whom I had a hand in incarcerating.
They were, in hindsight, all innocent, of course, just as all those still in prison remain blameless today and should be compensated by a grateful people and government for their suffering, immediately released, and given the vote. In fact, when you think of felons and the vote, we best give them two, to make up for their lost time behind bars.
Convicted felons should also be given the current addresses of all those who assisted in their conviction, including those of their "victims,” whose current identities and bank accounts should be coughed up to insure fairness. and those in prison for "dope” offences, should be immediately released and have their "stash” returned to them with interest, the latest chemical formulae for crank, and with their show money intact.
I've also come to realize that too many people, rich and middle class alike, just plain have too much and too many things, and it's time to take them all away from those who worked for it or inherited their wealth, unless they're liberals, progressives, fellow travelers, and Hollywood stars.
There are just too many poor and downtrodden folks kicking around the US today, and regardless of how you calculate the coefficient of their paucity of money, happiness, and the tons of stuff they "deserve,” they rightly need a chance to plumb the pockets of the rich at will, and to finally get the chance to buy luxury cars and those expensive electronic gadgets, which they see on TV. and my doors will be open for them to take what they like from my mean little hovel, whenever they desire, in order to save the locks, which are only used to keep the honest folk out, the door jambs, and the public embarrassment they might otherwise endure by arrest.
While I'm at it, I'd also like to ask the forgiveness of all the politicians I've lampooned, the ne'er-do-wells I've belittled, and the crooks I've disparaged in my writing over the past year. I realize now that I've been way out of line for castigating so many. They are beautiful and deserve our respect!
and I'm going to let you all know that I now firmly believe in every tiny cast off tidbit which supports the absolute latest in global warming theories, no matter how preposterous it might be.
as a former global warming heretic, I've come to rue my failure to embrace every tenet of that belief system, and I am fully prepared to disregard any contrary activities which may be attributed to the sun, volcanism, deep sea methane ices, asteroids, forest fires, cosmic dust clouds, nearby stellar explosions, and the hot air given off by failed Republican solons.
Oh, yes, I'm ready to toss my plush oversized SUV away and cram my lanky frame into a battery powered micro-mini to travel around New England.
Plus, since my chances for surviving a wreck will be greatly decreased, my demise will open the door to another illegal alien to take my place at america's table of plenty.
In conclusion, I'm going to thank, though I can't do it enough, Ted Kennedy, Tom Dodd, Hillary Clinton, Dick Turban, Eleanor Clift, David Gregory, Katie Couric, Bob Beckel, William Jefferson, General Wes Clark, al Gore, Jessie Jackson, alcee Hastings, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, and all the other Simon pure and honest new Democrats, for showing me the proper path to the future, eternal happiness, and eventual fulfillment, by their own pristine examples.
and soon, just as the novel 1984 also ends, I'll be expecting that long awaited bullet in my head, having finally recanted my beliefs.
I have seen the wages of hard honest work and they just don't fit in anymore, nor will they let you qualify for a piece of free government pie, however lacking in taste.
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