Fresh from solving the native standoff in Caledonia by purchasing the disputed land, Dalton McGuinty is poised to end the conflict in afghanistan by buying the country. The Ontario premier was overheard saying "How much can a desolate country like that cost?" McGuinty was further heard chuckling about the fact it's not like he's spending his own money. When it comes to peace, money is no object, especially in light of the fact that the premier, following the practice of his government has no intention of making the purchase price public.
Ending the conflict will be a priority for the McGuinty government in the area that will undoubtedly be renamed Ontariostan. But Dalton's both a Liberal and a liberal so ending the bloodshed will not be the top priority of his ever expanding government. McGuinty's first order of business will be to pass a Smoke-free afghanistan act which will ban smoking in all public places, including the caves on the Pakistani border. Osama bin Laden is hard at work in one of those caves planning jihads (if bin Laden hates the West now, wait until he gets his first health tax/premium/tax bill from Dalton) which makes the cave his workplace. It has to be made smoke free; after all we are constantly being told by both the living and the dead that no one should have to go to work to die. and Osama better watch out — just because he has successfully evaded american and coalition forces doesn't mean he's safe from Dalton's smoke police.
and speaking of police, eventually the issue of security will have to be at least half-heartedly addressed by the McGuinty government. after he finishes blaming the U.S. for all the guns and IED's in the country, McGuinty will send in a contingent of OPP officers to keep order. These officers will likely come from Caledonia where, fortunately, no one will notice that they're gone. The OPP will be sent to Ontariostan without their cars but McGuinty is confident that they will be able to find something else to lean on during the hot afghani summer. and while the police are standing around, Dalton will begin negotiations with the Taliban and other insurgents. This will allow the Canadian and other coalition forces to leave the country while McGuinty negotiates. after all, we can't have soldiers hunting down the enemy while Dalton is negotiating with them to stop blowing up people.
as afghanistan will now be part of Ontario, it will become fully multicultural. Taliban festivals will abound, not the least of which will be the first annual "Blow up the Buddha" event which is sure to be enjoyed by all. and in keeping with our multicultural practices, the Taliban will retain their own identity which will include the banning of all music (except the Dixie Chicks) and forcing women to keep completely covered which, in the event that OPP Commissionatrix Gwen Boniface comes to visit her lounging boys and girls, will be a good thing. Even the jizyah, a tax that is imposed by Muslim governments on non-Muslims, will be kept. McGuinty has said that although he's not particularly fond of this type of taxation, he just can't bring himself to get rid of a tax. But Dalton has assured the non-Muslim population of Ontariostan that they won't pay one penny more in jizyah than they did under the previous government.
Of course, none of this will solve the problems in afghanistan. But it will make Dalton happy to think that he is doing something and that's all that really matters. as to the afghanis that will continue to get blown to bits; well, Dalton won't spend too much time thinking about that.
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