By arthur Weinreb, associate Editor,
Tuesday, august 1, 2006
Those 1950s horror movies were great; even if they all were pretty much the same. Made during the height of the cold war, Earth would be attacked by aliens and the world powers, most notably the United States and the Soviet Union who would take their fingers of their respective nuclear buttons, would all get together to discuss the impending invasion. These meetings would inevitably take place at the United Nations where, with much trepidation the countries would agree to all share their military secrets. In the end, a united Earth would join together to wipe out the intergalactic attackers and the world, usually minus New York City, London and Tokyo, would be saved.
Those days, not to mention the optimism of the 50s and the Soviet Union, are long gone. If we're going to bring these movies back, they'll have to be changed to reflect the reality of the times.
a flying saucer appears from the planet Ziptroks (82.3% of all planets in these movies have names beginning with a "Z") and fires a laser at the Earth, completely obliterating Rocky Mount North Carolina. President Bush says "we're at war" and orders missiles fired at the alien invaders. Let's face it, if Bush doesn't go after the aliens, who will? a meeting of the United Nations Security Council is hastily convened where Kofi annan, after presiding over regular business (passing a resolution blaming Israel for the New York Yankees failing to make the playoffs) warns of the impending humanitarian and alien disasters. annan further says that the killin' and shootin' has to stop.
as anti-war activists all over the world take to the streets, waiving alien flags and demanding that the Ziptroksians be given U.S. citizenship, Congress meets and the Democrats chastise Bush for entering into war with Ziptroks without having an exit strategy. Both the Democrats and the america-haters around the world demand to know why Condi Rice has not yet left for Ziptroks. and John Kerry issues a statement saying that if he were president, this wouldn't be happening. Meanwhile back at the ranch (George Bush's ranch of course) his new neighbour, Simple Cindy announces that she would prefer to live on Ziptroks than in the United States and implores her supporters to tell her where it is.
Back in Canada, as Prime Minister Stephen Harper pledges his country's support to stop the alien invasion, NDP leader Jack Layton calls him a George Bush clone and demands an immediate ceasefire. Interim Liberal leader Bill Graham says that Canada should not take sides in the dispute, warning that the country will lose its position as an honest broker in the universe. Graham also praises the wonderous work being done by the humanitarian wing of the Ziptroks.
Unlike the 60-second news bulletins of the 1950s, the cable news networks provide 24-hour-a-day coverage of the alien invasion with cutesy titles such as "Crisis in the Milky Way — Earth's Response". Much of this coverage is taken up with leading academics who state that we must get to the root causes of the alien attack. We have to understand them. Why do they hate us? a consensus is formed that it is because global warming and Fox News is now threatening the universe.
and, while the world is meeting and marching and protesting and puffing, the Ziptroksians blast the earth to bits.
The End.
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