By John Burtis
Monday, April 30, 2007
It was a real jolt when I found out that it is now illegal to sport phony Beatle-mania haircuts and Lily Pulitzer duds in that Mohammedan paradise of Iran and that the newly empowered Haircut Police will run you to ground and stand you up in front of a substantial rock pile for a rapid, or is it rabid, public stoning
And, according to Shari'a Law, the boyos in charge almost always suggest a quick stoning for an offense, unless, of course, they demand a messy beheading with a rather dull Ginsu knife or the deft lopping off of a few fingers, maybe a hand, or the entire arm. Their penal code, unlike California's or Maine's, is a bit iffy on whether the entire arm goes in one fell swoop, or if the mullahs can recommend a LeMans start on the digits, graduate to the whole mitt, move on to the limb, and end at the shoulder, in a sort of honest religious effort at graduated discipline.
In Iran, however, there's not much need of a trial lawyer, because the sentence rolls out so quickly and the punishment, which always fits the crime, is ordered up in a jiffy. Even if, perchance, the Haircut boyos exceed their authority and move the scimitar from your fingers to your neck and avoid the hand all together, that's fine, too. It's all in a day's work for the nattily attired Islamist enforcers.
The Iranian parliament, such as it is, is jam packed with bubbling turbaned actualizers, and it resembles, if anything, the Stalin-era Soviet Praesidium. And the rollicking mullahs must soon come to grips with the recommended locations of stonings because they look rather shabby to passing shoppers and it's difficult for the lock-step fawning foreign press like the NY Times to frame it properly when they stone a Mohawk sporting, peg-topped slacks wearing, Cuban heeled loafer outfitted miscreant in front of the plate glass windows at the local shopping mall due to the notoriously poor aim of the local hurlers.
Whippings, on the other hand, can be used wherever there's a handy post to lash the trembling suspect to. Or, like the brown shirted SA bully boys used to do in the oh, so avant garde Berlin of the mid-1930s, today's Tehran Haircut Cops could offer mobile clip jobs, blistering Dutch rubs, and a quick beating. And they'd only need to add another holster to carry their newly issued, but dull, manual hair clippers on their hefty utility belts, where they join the automatic pistol, whip, assorted Tanto knives, beheading sword, thumb screws, hand-cuffs, and their miniature combination English dictionary and abridged Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
Say, haven't some of these latter books been shipped out to Michael Moore, Jane Fonda, Honest John Murtha, perky Katie Couric, and Pinch Sulzberger?
I mean, heck, with all the laws being passed over there, like this recent crack down on the women folk wearing Westernized clothing, mini-chadors, abbreviated scarves and the like, while the men are being hunted down for flat-tops, yachting belts, and Weejuns, you'd swear that the Democrat Party right here in the US was advising the top mullahs on exactly what to legislate and ban.
It is rather apparent that Harry "Don't Fence Me In" Reid, Hillary sans Rodham Clinton, John Kerry, the decorated Vietnam era hero, Nancy "Short Scarf" Pelosi, who openly violated these current Iranian laws when she recently went a courting to Bashir Assad on his home turf to the never ending humiliation of Frau Assad, and the like are always ready, willing, and able to reduce our most visible and venerable freedoms at the drop of a fancy fedora or with the first exposure of a bowl haircut to the sunlight.
In Iran, haircuts, bloussant pants, and Zouave jackets will get you a swift stoning or a prolonged stint in a septic dungeon, while over here Chuck Schumer, Chris Dodd, and Hammerin' Hank Waxman will hunt you down because maybe you worked a bit, made a little liquor money, aren't on the public dole just yet, and can be riotously and infectiously called "rich."
Of course, nothing in Iran compares to the recent rape and gutting of the Bill of Rights thanks to the McCain-Feingold Act, but those dirty ignorant fools like James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, and George Washington should've expected no less, thanks to the "living" and "breathing" Constitution they off handedly penned. Of course homosexual marriage, abortion on demand without the hint of a medical report being whisked to a worried parent from an anonymous practitioner concerning a child, any crank idea that Barney Frank might conceivably demand, and the illicit refusal to forward college grades to the parent footing the bill, are all obviously part and parcel of their latex fortified document.
But here's the rub – while the theocratic Iranians are chasing down hipsters and hep cats as they continually tighten their rule over their helots, deceitful humorless Democrats over here in America are chiseling away at our freedoms, chivvying more of our money away from us, putting more of us on relief and in their government's pocket, doing everything they can to destroy our small businesses and our stock market, decrying gun ownership, demanding loosening of Constitutional laws, passing more and more intrusive strictures, and smashing Christianity while worshipping their portable Ba'als like Castro, Guevara, and Chavez. And they are doing it all behind the calling cry and guise of freedom, openness, and honest government – the big lie.
And in both countries people live from day to day by failing to recognize the incremental loss of freedoms, with haircuts, clothing, and personal rights all on the blood stained chopping block.
With the recent success of the Democrats at the polls, we face a greater peril than those who scuttle out of the way of the Haircut Police in Qom.
Sadly, the Democrats will soon go hat in hand and shawl over hairdo to Tehran and beg forgiveness from the mullahs for our remaining and disturbing freedoms and our disappearing military power, with the latter being eagerly lapped up by theocratic Muslim dictatorships united in open jihad against us.
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