By John Burtis
Thursday, May 10, 2007
There is growing evidence that Iran, that Mohammedan party paradise akin to Club Med, is exporting cheap explosive belts, whose increasing purchase price is a direct result of the inflationary economic designs of Mr. Ahmadinejad and his cheerleading moolahs.
There has been a grave concern about various kinds of belts for a long time.
Throughout the decades of the '50s and '60s, physicists worried about the deleterious effects to be expected from the Van Allen Belts, those deadly high altitude radiation belts which girdle the globe far above our protective atmosphere.
Scientists thought that space wayfarers would die out there in the deadly radioactive static as they made their way through space. They worried that living beings would be fricasseed in their juice right inside their space suits as they tumbled through space in their cramped capsules. But Ham the astrochimp's and Laika the dog's prolonged space rides put those initial fears to rest, as did the later more lengthy rides of Yuri Gagarin, John Glenn and Gordo Cooper.
Later, in the late 1990s, a notably loquacious Charles Van Allen introduced his own Van Allen belt, a custom colorful surplice for oversized trousers, especially designed for painters to insure that their large white multi-pocketed pants would stay up when working on tall ladders in order to reduce local fears of exposure, he being a paint contractor and all. Interestingly, his belts also caught on with a small, but loyal group of golfers and acquaintances who recognized the expertly detailed cinches as nifty fashion apparel. A few of his early inventions can still be recognized on New England links today.
And now, Ahmed Ahmadinejad, the nuclear weapon crazed fanatic with visions of mushroom clouds in his head, his merry band of Muslim zealots, and the factories dedicated to their manufacture, are working on their chief export, a danger recognized as greater than that recognized from the Van Allen radiation belts and the worrisome fall of painters' pants, the explosive belt. But, unlike astronauts and painters, their successful sporting is often a one time affair though the victims from their usage can number in the hundreds.
To pay for the fabrication of these good time belts, President Ahmadinejad is inflating Iran's currency by printing billions of rials, the chief currency of terror, night and day. And to assist Iran's balance of payments problems, the busy lads at the national printing press are also counterfeiting hundreds of millions of US dollars – you know, Yankee dollars, greenbacks, American specie, government fiat money, and Satan's sanitary paper, as they're laughingly called in the barracks, television lounges, and in the graffiti adorning the foot washing stations on the Revolutionary Guards' bases.
They pump these thoroughly bogus bills, the roughhousing Guards' favorite nickname for former President Clinton, onto the world market in exchange for the raw materials needed to produce the belts, stuff like ball bearings, green colored nylon, C-4, Semtex or RDX explosives, detonation cord, yards of paisley silk, used for their exquisite inside liners, and the natty but narrow profile olive drab Velcro adorned canvas pouches to carry them. Additionally, the forged currency is also used to purchase the slender but natty suspenders needed to hold the heavy belts up, where some racier models exhibit the ghostly stenciled though proud countenance of Pinch Sulzberger, their chief Western cheer leader.
Tailor shops specializing in disposable fashion accoutrements have also sprung up across Tehran, where diligent seamstresses, all under the watchful eye of the Religious Police who insure that their daily dress meets the new strict code required in Iranian society, churn out blousy sport coats, expandable army jackets, flowing robes, and other bits of finery designed to hide the somewhat unwieldy explosive belt.
And to guard against Israeli bomb sniffing dogs, Iranian scientists are said to be working on a strong masculine musk scented cologne, designed to thwart the initial investigation of the barrel-chested folks concealing bomb vests as they stride through Israel, Londonistan, and Fort Dix looking for their favorite soft targets - school kids, the handicapped, bus bound commuters, and furloughed soldiers - to blast into smithereens with their ball bearing studded infernal devices at the drop of a turban, keffiyeh, or a white handkerchief from Harry Reid.
Little does the bearer of these horrible tidings know that the whole gizmo was assembled successfully thanks to "the torrent of inflated rials", which have served to reduce real wages, encourage the flight of investment capital to Europe and the Emirates, aided in the slow down in real estate expansion, all of which are part and parcel of Mr. Ahmadinejad's damaging quest for autarky, according to the Wall Street Journal and Amir Teheri.
And the bomber has no idea that as a user of the suicide belt, unlike the users of the fashion savvy Van Allen belt, or the pale riders in the Van Allen Belt, he is associating himself with an inelastic demand curve, where the actual explosive belt is perfectly inelastic and where the demand curve is a straight vertical line because the increasingly inflated prices of the natty explosive cummerbund, thanks to President Ahmadinejad's inflationary policies involved in the printing of countless wads of nearly worthless rials, do not affect the quantity purchased so long as they don't run out of end users, those doughty religious thrill killers and the disaffected suicide addicts.
Nope, although Iran's economy is heading for trouble, the demand for suicide belts remains at peak levels.
Sadly, one-way suicide belts are not helping the dangerous foreign balance of payments dilemmas being faced by the mad mystics running the Iranian terror show, and contrary to the monomaniacal dreams of the country's leadership, they never will.
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