By John Burtis
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Boy, it was sure great to hear that Bill Clinton, our former presidential gadfly, inveterate cheap jacker of America, close confidant of the venal Jimmy Carter, and current primitive ecology expert with a big appetite for money, is asking us all to install sod roofs on our homes to reduce their troublesome heat blooms and save pretty Gaia.
And I'll betcha that he's already speaking to Teddy Kennedy and John Forbes "Live Shot" Kerry, two of his most stalwart enablers and yes men, right now, asking them to install these keen bits of arcane home improvement over at their swanky joints, given their reluctance to accept the distant wind turbines cluttering their Cape Cod and island views when they haul out the battleship binoculars, while he's rummaging through his pockets and Palm Pilot looking for Gaia's phone number.
Nope, Bill has put his rather large and meaty shod feet down and we're all to follow his every highly nuanced command no matter how ridiculous. At the same time we're hoping that a decidedly heavier Mr. Bill doesn't tromp around on any rain soaked sod roofs while he's out and about. However, if he did so, we'd be able to track his nocturnal loafing from roof to roof to, you know, keep his saga alive and him in the public view – a panorama now all too cluttered by Paris Hilton and her growing routine of breakdowns, sobbing, tardiness, and off color videos, all of them heady ideas stolen from Bill. And we'd also have to importune the hefty former intern's paramour to step lightly as he dances above us.
But you know, the sod roof idea is a perfect Democrat idea. It'll never fly in the Hamptons, Chappaqua, or the Hollywood Hills, where the liberals play because of the deleterious effects it'd have on their property values and due to the guffaws they'd face from folks of a similar stripe they rub elbows with in Davos or Antibes.
But gosh, it sounds real nice and will make the simpletons think that Mr. Clinton is really tuned into this whole latest save the Earth business and maybe it'll help Hillary at the polls, where she's taking a real beating from the rookie senator and tyro universal health care manager, Mr. Osama Obama, as Mr. Edward M. Kennedy so fractiously called him not so very long ago, in those days before the wind turbines began to turn and the sod was planted.
In any case, I'm reminded of the old saw I often heard as a kid in the country in upstate New York, "To keep your sod looking real good you need a sheep."
Now a sheep is perfect for the lawn and for the roof, if you install the proper inclined ramp so the sheep can get up to your sod. I guess you could build some small steps onto the ramp so the sheep won't fall or slip going up and down, and the sheep's rhythmic bleating also serves to help those suffering from insomnia to sleep while they count the footfalls of real sheep. Of course you have to be careful to keep the roof's pitch gradual enough so the sheep can adequately traverse your roof from one side to the other because there's nothing worse than a sheep ramp installed on the front of your upscale home.
A sheep will eat the grass down to a handsome level and it'll keep the grass really green thanks to the sheep's propensity to self-fertilize the areas being consumed. And the application of a rich layer of redolent fertilizer is something the handsome cocksure political partner of Hillary Clinton is well versed in.
Ayuh, a single sheep will give a homeowner a hand with both the Clinton inspired sod roof and with the necessary upkeep in producing a thick rich lawn. And just imagine how the Earth and "one sheet" Cheryl Crow will swoon in return.
Pretty soon the Clinton machine will begin sending out brochures offering expensive advice on sod roofs, sheep, and their upkeep, to our most vulnerable populations thanks to the unique relationship Bill and Hillary enjoy with Mr. Gupta over at InfoUSA. And thanks to Mr. Vinod Gupta's unique ability to identify widows and orphans, as well as funneling an immense amount of lucre, almost free jet rides, and speaking fees to the storied pair, the selling of the sod roof angle will open new doors and wallets to the fab duo.
Hillary is in the fight for her life and she'll need to piggy back her cries for election cash onto Bill's fancy informational packets on the natural roofing that they'll shovel out the door as fast sodden clover filled ewe can deposit droppings once they've identified the right cross section of the needy to fleece with this latest scheme.
You can't help but thank these two liberal mouthpieces for their never ending attempts to both rule, coddle, and roof that dying breed of the common American citizen.
And pretty soon the Clintons will launch their next fabled outreach program through the good graces of Mr. Gupta's generous firm and courtesy of Ms. Clinton's and George Soros' data mining project, to those swarming millions of illegal aliens who will soon inherit America.
Maybe we can give Bill a hand at a marketing idea.
What do untold multitudes of lamisters and fugitives need to survive in the hell of 21st century America? Why, all of our money of course. And Hillary will soon be sending it their way, once they decide come in from the late spring cold wave resulting from Al Gore's global warming lunacy, register on-line at InfoUSA, and then vote her way.
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