Ablation!

Ablation is a scary procedure, especially if what is being ablated is the heart. When my cardiologist said I had an abnormal heart rhythm — atrial fibrillation, he arranged an appointment with a colleague whose specialty is ablation.

“Any questions?” He asked. I almost asked how long I’ve got left, but not wanting to appear melodramatic or to let him know I was petrified, I asked him to explain ablation. As I listened, goose bumps popped up, I hyperventilated, felt sweat beads rolling down my neck, and was certain the Grim Reaper was in the room with us. Although the doctor is young enough to be my grandson, I trust him because he has a genuine, caring nature, and besides, I wasn’t fooling him: He knew I was scared stiff.

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Putting one hand above the other to indicate the heart’s upper and lower chambers, he said that atrial fibrillation causes them to desynchronize, and that with minimal invasiveness his colleague would not chop open my chest (Hallelujah!) and that my heart would not be stopped (Phew!). Instead, he would insert an endoscope in an artery (Ouch!), enter the heart (Gulp!), cauterize (Egad!) a few heart muscles, and send me home with a properly timed ticker. Afterward, I called a friend for solace. He assured me that I wouldn’t shoot through on the operating table, and promised to send a video that would lift my spirits. He lied. Opening with a serene Garden of Eden scene, the video contrasted the Lord’s efforts to insure that His children remained healthy, with Satan’s devious tricks to undermine those efforts. First, God provided an abundance of good food, such as broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and a variety of other nutritious vegetables. Not to be outdone, Satan offered seductive sugary snacks. Those who chose the devil’s dishes put on pounds. Disturbed that women began bulging in the wrong places, God created delicious fishes of all kinds, but the fattened females preferred Satan’s latest allurement — pastries made with white flour — and their dress sizes expanded exponentially. The Lord retaliated by encouraging His children to eat fresh green salads, which they did, but with another of Satan’s tempting treats — Thousand Island dressing. Girths gradually grew. Battling the bulge, God urged His children to avoid fatty foods and to cook with olive oil. Sadly, the growing number of portly people found Diablo’s deep-fried delicacies more to their liking, and cholesterol levels went ballistic. Next, God created running shoes so that rotund runners could burn calories. Capitalizing on the lazy streak in all human beings, Beelzebub brought forth television, and the Lord’s chubby, corpulent children clicked remotes while chomping on calorie-laden snacks and swilling sweet sodas. God’s next healthful offer was lean meats, but again, Lucifer lured them away with fast food drive-through joints, where obese omnivores could bloat their bodies with double cheeseburgers and orders of super-sized French fries. Frustrated with His children’s immoderate indulgences, God created doctors who can perform quadruple bypass heart surgery, and — you guessed it: ablation!