By William Kevin Stoos ——Bio and Archives--March 30, 2024
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Satire: Hugh Betcha Interviews Biden
In an effort to justify his refusal to protect the southern border of the United States from the torrent of illegal immigrants, drugs, and the spread of violence that has cost the lives of United States citizens, as well as terrorist attacks on military personnel that resulted in the tragic death of young soldiers President Biden summoned “The Most Trusted Name in the News 2024,” CFP’s own Hugh Betcha, for an exclusive interview in the Oval Office. Hugh, Chief of the International Desk of the Stoos Views worldwide media conglomerate, a man who walks with kings and princes Hugh caught a quick flight from Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, the people vote red, and the centre still holds—and flew into Foggy Bottom. Ushered into the President’s office after a short ride in the Presidential limousine, Hugh settled down for a frank discussion with the President on the troublesome issue of illegal immigration, terrorism, and the violence that has plagued the country in the recent past.
The President seemed unusually defensive and out of sorts during the interview with his former drinking buddy and the winner of MSNBC’s Most Trusted Name in the News Award, 2024—Hugh Betcha.
“I do not want the world to think we are inhospitable racists. I want the world to like us. It is more important to be liked than respected, after all. The influx of immigrants to this country is a good thing and brings in a new wave of Americans who are the future of this country. We need to be friends with Mexico and do not want to anger them.”
“But aren’t the illegals causing a tremendous drain on the economy, medical resources, housing, and law enforcement down south and elsewhere?”
“Please do not use that word,” the President bristled.
“What word?”
“Illegal. It is mean spirited.”
“What then?”
“I prefer undocumented,” the President said.
“But these undocumented aliens are wreaking havoc on the border states, and you have done nothing to protect it.”
“Please do not use such language in here,” the President winced as he put his fingers in his ears.
“What?” Hugh asked.
“Aliens. That sounds so harsh. We do not use such language here. They are persons from places other than the United States. Again, I have instructed all federal employees never to use such language. It may well offend someone. We are going to stamp out the use of the “I” word or the “A” word in the federal government. I have instructed the Vice President to head a task force to teach governmental agencies to root out any and all such language.”
“Well, the point being Mr. President, that if you do nothing to protect the borders, then we face a serious threat not only from the undocumented persons from places other than the United States but also Muslin terrorists. They can easily sneak across our southern border, and many say ISIS is here already due to your “no borders policies.”
“Once again, please do not use such language,” Biden protested sternly.
“You mean…”
“Yes, Muslim Terrorists.”
“But, weren’t the guys who bombed New York on 9/11 Muslim terrorists? How about the guys who maimed and killed all those Americans in Boston; how about the dirt bag who shot our young Marines in Chattanooga?” Hugh insisted, “what do you call them?”
“No, we do not use such language and there are no “terrorists” in America. They are simply disagreeable people of another faith who sometimes randomly hurt people in various ways. I have issued an Executive Order to this effect, effective immediately.”
“Okay Mr. President, the point is this: You do not want the United States Government to even talk about, much less do anything to protect the citizens from, either the flood of undocumented persons from places other than the United States or disagreeable people of another faith who sometimes randomly hurt people, right?”
“Correct. Such action is preempted by federal law. The protection of the citizens of American is the prerogative of the United States Government. It is my exclusive right as Commander in Chief to do nothing to protect our borders or protect our citizens.”
“But…..”
:…and the right to do nothing is a right I guard jealously.”
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Copyright © 2020 William Kevin Stoos
William Kevin Stoos (aka Hugh Betcha) is a writer, book reviewer, and attorney, whose feature and cover articles have appeared in the Liguorian, Carmelite Digest, Catholic Digest, Catholic Medical Association Ethics Journal, Nature Conservancy Magazine, Liberty Magazine, Social Justice Review, Wall Street Journal Online and other secular and religious publications. He is a regular contributing author for The Bread of Life Magazine in Canada. His review of Shadow World, by COL. Robert Chandler, propelled that book to best seller status. His book, The Woodcarver (]And Other Stories of Faith and Inspiration) © 2009, William Kevin Stoos (Strategic Publishing Company)—a collection of feature and cover stories on matters of faith—was released in July of 2009. It can be purchased though many internet booksellers including Amazon, Tower, Barnes and Noble and others. Royalties from his writings go to support the Carmelites. He resides in Wynstone, South Dakota.
“His newest book, The Wind and the Spirit (Stories of Faith and Inspiration)” was released in 2011 with all the author’s royalties go to support the Carmelite sisters.”