Calzamanian Vigor

Leo “Step Light” Larson got his nickname from the way he walked. One of his Achilles tendons had been severed, leaving him unable to put his heel on the ground, which caused him to tiptoe on one foot … “stepping lightly,” folks said.

Despite his handicap, Larson earned a good living running trotlines for catfish. Customers waited at the dock, knowing he’d have fish that best suited their palates, including channel cats, flatheads, blues, speckled and yellow bullheads. The fisherman’s bait contained a secret ingredient known as “calzamanian vigor,” irresistible to catfish. One day a stranger was waiting at the dock. “Leo, would you like to increase yo’ income?” He asked. “Sho’ would, cap’n. What you got in mind?”

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“My name is Emile. I am a professional chef, and fish fried in my special batter — as secret as yo’ calzamanian vigor — are the absolute best. I’ll fry a few of those cats, and you’ll enjoy divine Southern-fried crunchiness like you’ve never tasted before.” After the first bite, the fisherman knew the chef was on to something. “Emile, you got a deal,” he said. In the South, good news about fried food spreads quickly. In no time, Emile was selling catfish as fast as he could cook them at the partners’ restaurant, known as the Cat House. But there was a problem. Most customers had money only at the end of the month when they received welfare checks. So, Emile and Leo set up an “eat now, pay later” plan. The idea worked, and customers paid no attention when the entrepreneurs raised their prices. Their banker noticed the huge deposits and loaned them money to build another Cat House. As collateral, he held the customers’ monthly tabs. The arrangement worked so well that the banker extended Emile and Leo even more credit, certain that expansion would clear up red ink accumulating on the balance sheet’s liability side. But then the government raised taxes to fund its escalating entitlement programs. The banker’s gains turned to losses, and he called in his loans, forcing Emile and Step Light to demand immediate payment from all customers. But they were always broke a few days after receiving their welfare checks, so the entrepreneurs declared bankruptcy. The banker took ownership of Emile’s and Leo’s businesses, both of which were worthless because nobody knew the secret ingredient that made Emile’s fried fish the best in the world, and Leo wasn’t about to tell him what calzamanian vigor was. Fortunately, Congress mandated even higher taxes and bailed out the banker. Unfortunately, productive folks couldn’t sustain the tax burden, went broke and joined the former Cat House customers on the welfare dole. Soon, the government couldn’t meet its entitlement obligations, so Congress authorized the printing of more money — never mind that there was nothing to back it up. Leo stepped lightly to the bank, secured a loan, started fishing once more, contacted Emile, and the cycle began all over again. And the catfish? They still couldn’t resist calzamanian vigor.