‘Cash for Clunkers, Chunkers, Lunkers, Punkers, and Spelunkers’

In an effort to explain his controversial federal ("Spend Money Like a Drunken Sailor") stimulus policy, President Obama invited the most respected financial reporter in America--Stoos Views own Hugh Betcha--to the White House this week for a private interview. Touting the "success" of the "Cash for Clunkers" program, through which the federal government takes $4,500 from the pockets of taxpayers who do not need new cars and gives a $4,500 rebate to taxpayers who were likely to purchase a new vehicle this summer anyway, Obama was met with skepticism by the reporter.

---

"How does this create wealth, or new jobs, or stimulate the economy?" Betcha asked. "It doesn't," the President smiled wryly. "Then what does it accomplish, exactly?" "It makes people feel good and gives them the illusion that things are getting better," the President responded as he took a drag off his Marlboro. "And darn it," he continued, "it is fun to spend other people's tax money. 'Cash for Clunkers'...don't you just love it? The people eat this up." "Yeah, cute," replied the reporter. Asked what he planned to do next, the President responded: "Well, Michelle, Dead Fish, our economic advisors, and I were sitting around drinking wine until late in the evening and getting a little silly, you know. Someone mentioned the Cash for Clunkers program and we all started giggling about it. Someone said, 'Hey, let's think up some more fun ways to spend the taxpayers' money.' So, we sat around thinking of new programs that rhymed with "Clunkers." Everyone was 'faced and they thought that was just hilarious." "Isn't that a little arbitrary?" the reporter asked. "Well, sure," the President replied, "but no more so than spending billions on bridges to nowhere, unnecessary roads, Frisbee Golf courses, dog parks, gangster museums, and NEA funding for such works of art as "Pi** Christ," where the government paid $50,000 to some artist who urinated in a bottle and dunked a crucifix in it. Geeze, I got the Congress to spend hundreds of billions without even reading the stimulus bill!" Obama smiled as he put out his cigarette. "Here," he said as he handed Betcha a list of new federal spending programs. The reporter ticked off the items on the President's list: "One thousand dollars to each person who loses 20 pounds during the preceding calendar year?" "Cash for Chunkers," the President responded. "Encourages people to lose weight and cuts down on medical costs." "One thousand dollars to each person who has caught a 6 pound bass during the last calendar year?" "Cash for Lunkers," replied the President. "Encourages people to enjoy the outdoors." "One thousand dollars to each person who starts an alternate rock band during the preceding year?" "Cash for Punkers," laughed the President. "That was mine. I like punk rock you know. It is a great way to encourage the performing arts." "One thousand dollars to each person who has explored a cave during the preceding year?" "Cash for Spelunkers," replied the President. "Encourages exploration. Bat guano is a promising alternative energy source. Some day we will run our cars on it." Asked whether any of these so-called stimulus programs had anything to do with stimulating the economy, the President bristled. "Of course not," he replied. "Then why?" "To make taxpayers feel good, while I am busy screwing with the economy, consolidating my power, and turning this country into a socialist state. Marx was wrong when he said that "religion is the opiate of the masses," Obama declared. "Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Free stuff is."