Climate "Studies": The Longest List the World Has Ever Known

In every western country, including this one, "experts" are conducting a relentless stream of dire "studies" purporting to show that virtually everything on Earth is being adversely impacted by what once was called global warming. When satellite data showed the accelerated warming trend of the 1980s more or less as out of steam in 1998, the climate fear industry quietly added an alternate name for the alleged threat: "climate change."  For more than 30 years, the complicit western media has published tens of thousands of alarming "studies," all of which were intended to terrify low information voters to accept absolutely massive new taxes on fossil fuel energy. You never see headlines that say "Study of (take your pick) fails to show any link to climate change." All of the articles, 100% of them, cite studies that say the planet is falling apart at the seams due to global warming that's been in a virtual flatline for nearly two decades.

Do an Internet search on any discomfiting earthly happening, and you'll likely find an article that ties the happening to global warming or its alter ego, climate change. What follows is an infinitesimally small sampling of the Longest List the World Has Ever Known, actual climate studies that collectively point to the undeniable certainty that we will all die in less than 12 years if we don't listen to Greta Thunberg and AOC. As you scroll through the check list, pause from time-to-time and ask yourself what kind of fool do they think you are. More fog over San Francisco, less fog over San Francisco: check, check   • Too much rain, too little rain: check, check  • Too much snow, too little snow, the end of snow:  check, check, check   • Temperatures too hot, temperatures too cold: check, check   • Ice sheets shrinking, ice sheets expanding: check, check     • Oceans more salty, oceans less salty: check, check   • Duller fall foliage, brighter fall foliage: check, check  • Traffic fatalities, rhino extinction, nosebleeds, deadly toenail fungus: check, check, check, check  

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• Rising number of child brides, fashion industry wiped out: check, check   • More women turn to prostitution, earwax plugs in dead whales, clear air turbulence, redheads in Scotland to be wiped out: check, check, check, check   • Christmas gingerbread houses collapsing, loaves of bread to get smaller, rising sewer bills: check, check, check   • School closures, retail store closures, collapsing bridges, collapsing buildings, footpath erosion:  check, check, check,  check, check   • Spike in street crime, rapes, murders, dog bites, snakebites, deaths by giant hornets: check, check, check, check, check, check • Grapes turn sour, apples turn mushy, skeletons from WWII graves washed out to sea: check,  check, check  • Explosion of stray cats, bad relations with Russia, rise of ISIS, shrinking sheep on Scottish island: check, check, check, check    

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• Iceland volcano eruption, itchier poison ivy, billions to be homeless: check, check, check    • Deadly walrus stampede, python invasion of U.S., lizards switching gender, fatal shark attacks, baby fish get lost at sea:  check, check, check, check, check   • More humans eaten by lions, more humans eaten by tigers, humans to start eating each other: check, check, check    • More suicide by farmers, shortage of Tabasco sauce, space station adversely affected, oceans more noisy: check, check, check, check  • Earth spinning faster, Earth spinning slower: check, check   Don't you see how bad things are? If you're still not convinced, this will get your attention: Your sex life could be made worse by global warming? Check! Now do you see how bad things are? A virtually endless list of scientific "studies" all point to alleged past and future havoc caused by climate change. Look hard enough and you can probably find a study showing that the Big Bang resulted from global warming caused by thoughtless CO2 gluttons here on Earth.

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Why climate studies are so one-sided

There's a reason research about the planet's ever-changing climate all arrives at the same doomsday conclusion. In western countries, climate science is overwhelmingly funded by government, progressive governments that foment fear of climate collapse as a Trojan horse means of getting their socialist hands on an endless stream of new tax revenues, courtesy of hard-working Americans. With job security or federal grants at stake, government-funded scientists with mortgages to pay and kids in college have a built-in incentive to do research that arrives at a politically approved outcome. In computer lingo, such research is known as garbage in, garbage out. The way the climate change game is played doesn't require progressive governments to dictate what specific research the scientists they fund conduct. Researchers who value keeping their job are smart people who quickly figured out the ground rules: using any tortured logic necessary, find an excuse to slip the terms ‘global warming' or ‘climate change' into research you do, and your government paymasters will smile. No matter how far-fetched your "study" is, generously salt it with the magic words and your career will flourish. Buck the expectations of your paymasters and it's time to dust off your resume.  Finally, here's one more "study" by another government-funded "expert," this one in the UK, that warns of dire consequences for humanity. Did you know that we all are destined to develop webbed fingers and toes, eyes like cats and gills like fish to cope with a global warming "water world"? It's true: 

• Duck-like evolution inevitable due to worldwide flooding of habitable land masses.
• Humans to develop eyes like cats to help us see better underwater.
• Regular foraging in lakes, estuaries would cause us to develop fish-like gills.

Keep in mind that all of us future ducks, cats and fish can spare ourselves this terrible fate if we will just do what Greta and AOC tell us.