Dear Mr. President…

I am delighted that you have stepped up to the plate and taken it upon yourself to ensure that all Americans are taken care of. I heard you speaking with that unfortunate lady in Fort Myers, Florida, who had asked you for a car, a kitchen and a bathroom and noted with pleasure that you asked her to contact your assistants with the particulars of her request, so that you may help her. Bless your heart, Mr. President! At last someone in Washington who cares about the needs and wants of the common people.

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On that vein I ask that you consider my request for assistance, as there are a number of things my family has had to do without, due to these catastrophic economic times. One of the things that our family desperately needs is a new liner in our swimming pool. We have had a contractor look at it and he quoted us $3,400 to replace the one currently leaking, a sum, which we are hard-pressed to find at this point. I know this is the middle of the winter, but please understand that this is an indoor swimming pool and it would be nice if we didn’t have to keep adding water to keep it full. Just imagine the energy savings that a new liner in our pool would generate, as all that cold water we are adding every other day has to be heated to 86 degrees Fahrenheit. It would greatly reduce our family’s carbon footprint and it would stimulate the economy as my pool guy and his employees would have work. Also, I have been thinking of making my pilot’s license and it sure would be easier to do if I had my own plane. I’m not looking for one of those fancy Piper Meridian aircraft, which runs close to $2,000,000. I’m thinking about a used 1961 to 1966 Piper Cub, which can be had for as little as $30,000. Again, my having such an aircraft would stimulate the economy, as it would provide work for the guys down at the aviation school and the ground crew at the airport. Since the economy has tanked, it’s been a long time since we have had a family vacation and my wife has always wanted to visit the South of France, perhaps a cruise up the Rhone River from Marseille to Lyon. I hear the countryside there is wonderful during the month of April. The US government funding our cruise would stimulate the economy in so many ways. My wife could buy a new wardrobe at Saks, which would help the retail sector and the plane tickets would stimulate the aviation sector. My eldest son, who at age 29 is considered a dependent under your SCHIP program, would like to be a rock star, but he feels his receding chin is holding him back from realizing that dream. We have consulted with several plastic surgeons that have given us an estimate of $14,722 to have the procedure done and we are hoping that you will help us out with this as well. Getting his chin fixed will stimulate the economy in that doctors and nurses will find work and my son and his friends might move out of our basement once they’ve formed a band and made it big. The taxes the government would realize just from the sale of their record would more than cover any monies that you are giving to this family and would stimulate several sectors of the economy. The manufacturing sector would gain as it would employ people to make the record, the retail sector would benefit as people would swarm to stores to buy my son’s record, and of course the magazine industry would be stimulated through increased sales of celebrity mags, as my son would likely have relationships with Nicole, Rihanna, Paris and Britney, all while attending rehab. I know you are a good, generous and kind man, which is why we elected you. We are available to receive your assistance any time, as none of us are currently employed and spend much of our time watching Oprah, Dr. Phil and Judge Judy. Feel free to call any time, as we are delighted at the prospect of helping to stimulate the economy with your financial assistance.