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Browner Proposes "Pay or Plug” System, curb methane emissions

E.P.A. to Tax Cattle Exhaust



- Satire - “Senator John Thune, Republican of South Dakota, introduced legislation this week to block the EPA proposal to impose a tax on livestock emissions under the Clean Air Act.” December 17, 2008

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In an effort to curb methane emissions from livestock who shamelessly pollute the air with their gaseous exhaust, endanger the ozone layer, melt the polar icecaps and raise the average ambient temperature of the planet by one one-thousandth of a degree per decade, the Environmental Protection Agency has suggested that the federal government impose a per head gas tax on cattle and other livestock. Senator John Thune from Stoos Views’ home state of South Dakota—who has led the fight against federal rules which would impose serious burdens on South Dakota ranchers-- introduced legislation to block any such regulation in the future. Congressional action on such a measure is unlikely during the Christmas recess, according to Stoos Views’ informed sources. Until the E.P.A. implements such a rule, livestock remain free to pass gas without fear of federal intervention. Recently, a Stoos Views Ag Division reporter interviewed Ben Dover, President of Citizens Against Livestock Flatulence (C.A.L.F.), to get his perspective on the proposed regulation, which is said to be under consideration by Obama’s new E.P.A. Administrator, Carol Browner. When asked about the regulation, Dover noted: “I guess you can call it a different sort of gas tax—one that regulates methane gas emitted from the anal port of the livestock...gas that is literally ruining the planet. When you consider the hundreds of millions of cattle on the planet emitting gallons of methane every day, it is a wonder that we have any polar ice caps left at all. According to the inventor of the internet, Al Gore—world’s leading expert on the environment and gas bag expert who has studied cattle emissions for twenty years--at the present rate of bovine emission, the seas will rise twenty feet due to the melting of the polar icecap, the Brazilian Rain Forest will be reduced by fifty percent and the ozone layer will largely disappear by the year 2012. The main culprit is cattle emissions and the uncaring farmers and ranchers so intent on making a profit that they allow their livestock to wander around eating vegetation and passing gas all day—totally unregulated by the federal government. We regulate factories, we pass standards for vehicles—it is high time that we tax the ranchers and farmers who allow this insidious pollution to ruin our planet.” As he wiped a tear from his eye, Dover added, “The image of a baby polar bear floating away on the one remaining ice floe, calling for his mother, while some stupid cow out in the Midwest chews grass and fluffs methane gas all day, is unthinkable.” When asked whether the proposed plan would place an unfair burden on the farmers and ranchers who feed the nation and increase the price of beef and pork, Dover suggested that Americans quit eating beef and pork. “Let them eat tofu!” he replied. “If everyone would just try it, in time they would like it. Soybeans are the answer to our problems. Once we tax beef and pork production out of existence, and force the public to resort to healthier foods like tofu, bean sprouts and sea weed—foods that don’t pollute the planet--we will all be healthier and the air will be cleaner.” Carol Browner, newly appointed chief of the EPA, when asked by Stoos Views about the proposed regulation said: “As federal bureaucrats, we are always looking for ways to tax Americans and regulate their lives. This is a good way to raise money, clean the air, and force Americans to change their diets—so it does a lot of good things. It is a win-win for the federal government and the consumer. After all, we know what’s best for the American people.” When asked whether the new tax was the only option for the producers, she noted that the E.P.A. offers an alternative: “They may opt out of the per head tax on livestock by using new device which we have developed at the agency. If the producer does not want to pay the tax, he has the option of purchasing a methane collection unit that employs a one-way rectal valve at the posterior end of the animal. It traps the methane as it is expelled, sealing it in an airtight bag which is then taken to a federally- approved collection point to be disposed of safely. These units may be purchased and installed by the producer, who would be audited by E.P.A. officials to ensure compliance. Of course, installing these collection devices at the posterior portal of each animal, collecting the gas, and trucking it to the federally- approved collection point is labor intensive, but over the long run it may be cheaper than the per head tax of $90 per year.” Browner stressed that the federal government is serious about eliminating cattle gas. She noted that bovine flatulence ranks second only to auto emissions and slightly ahead of Democratic Congressional Caucus, when it comes to the release of noxious hot air into the atmosphere.


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William Kevin Stoos -- Bio and Archives

Copyright © 2020 William Kevin Stoos
William Kevin Stoos (aka Hugh Betcha) is a writer, book reviewer, and attorney, whose feature and cover articles have appeared in the Liguorian, Carmelite Digest, Catholic Digest, Catholic Medical Association Ethics Journal, Nature Conservancy Magazine, Liberty Magazine, Social Justice Review, Wall Street Journal Online and other secular and religious publications.  He is a regular contributing author for The Bread of Life Magazine in Canada. His review of Shadow World, by COL. Robert Chandler, propelled that book to best seller status. His book, The Woodcarver (]And Other Stories of Faith and Inspiration) © 2009, William Kevin Stoos (Strategic Publishing Company)—a collection of feature and cover stories on matters of faith—was released in July of 2009. It can be purchased though many internet booksellers including Amazon, Tower, Barnes and Noble and others. Royalties from his writings go to support the Carmelites. He resides in Wynstone, South Dakota.


“His newest book, The Wind and the Spirit (Stories of Faith and Inspiration)” was released in 2011 with all the author’s royalties go to support the Carmelite sisters.”


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