Exelon joins U.S. Chamber of Rentseeking

Chicago, IL, Sep. 28, Un-American Newswire ─ Exelon Corp., the operator of the largest fleet of nuclear power plans in the U.S., announced that it was cancelling its membership in the U.S. Chamber of Commerce to start a new group called the U.S. Chamber of Rentseeking. “We’ve had enough of free enterprise, free markets, risk, and competition,” said Exelon CEO John Rowe. “The future, as we see it, is rentseeking ─ that is, big business getting in bed with big government in order to guarantee big profits, he added.” Exelon quit the U.S. Chamber of Commerce because of the Chamber’s opposition to global warming regulation, including its call for a 21st century “Scopes monkey trail” over whether carbon dioxide (CO2) is a pollutant. “We prefer the view of, say, Stanford University professor Stephen Schneider who recently told the media that there is no safe level of CO2 in the atmosphere,” Rowe noted. “Junk science is good for cap-and-trade and cap-and-trade is good for Exelon ─ we’ll make billions of dollars for doing absolutely nothing,” he added. Under the Waxman-Markey bill that was passed by the House of Representatives in June, Rowe told Wall Street analysts that Exelon would make up to $750 million annually for every $10-per-ton increase in the price of CO2 allowances that Exelon would get for free under the legislation. “All we need do is to sell the allowances as soon as we get our hot little hands on them and we’re in the deep green. No fuss, no muss.” observed Rowe. “So as you can see, it makes absolutely no sense for us to belong to a group like the Chamber of Commerce that endangers such government-guaranteed profiteering,” said Rowe. “Sure taxes and energy prices will have to skyrocket, and the American economy will take a big hit under cap-and-trade,” but Exelon’s annual profits will increase by an estimated 40 percent ─ did I mention that this is for doing absolutely nothing? In life, you have to make trade-offs. I’ve traded my principles and patriotism for unearned, windfall and government-guaranteed profits.” he added. In the first six months of 2009, Exelon spent $2.5 million lobbying for the Waxman-Markey bill. If Exelon reaps the expected profits, its return on investment would be on the order of 30,000,000 percent. “I can only imagine what my annual bonus will look like,” Rowe opined, “I wonder if our payroll system can handle that many zeroes?” Asked about the new U.S. Chamber of Rentseeking, Rowe said that the first three members will be Exelon, and fellow electric utilities Pacific Gas & Electric and PNM Resources, who also quit the U.S. Chamber of Commerce this week over global warming. “We’ll probably raid the U.S. Climate Action Partnership (USCAP) for members,” Rowe noted. USCAP is a coalition of big business and environmental activist groups that are lobbying for global warming regulation. “They’ll be eager to join us on the government gravy train.”

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