“Welcome aboard Liberal Airlines,” the captain announced on the loud speaker. “We will be departing for Minneapolis and continuing on to San Francisco. We hope you enjoy the flight and, once again, thanks for flying Liberal.”
The passengers shuffled around in their seats and stowed their carry-ons as the flight attendant gave the obligatory instructions on fitting your oxygen mask, fastening your belt, placing your head between your legs in case you have to kiss you posterior goodbye and everything else that seasoned passengers ignore before take off. But this was no ordinary flight. The passengers were distinguished ladies and gentlemen of the liberal persuasion, representing the upper echelon of the Political Left in America. The manifest read like the guest list at a George Soros fund raiser.
Up front sat Ted Kennedy—bombastic blow guts leader of the Senatorial contingent-- drinking Scotch and holding forth on issues of great importance to a young Middle Eastern man who feigned interest in the Senator’s sodden monologue. Behind them sat Jesse Jackson, leader of the Rainbow Coalition, paradigm of morality and master of shaking down corporations for semi-voluntary donations to all of the correct causes--
including his own. Across the aisle sat Cindy Sheehan and John Murtha, discussing how to retreat from Iraq and her exciting plans for the next sit in at Crawford, Texas. Behind them sat the President of ANSWER, the most vocal of all Hate America First organizations, and a representative of Human Rights Watch. They were engaged in an animated discussion about the plight of the detainees at Gitmo—who endured three religiously-correct meals per day, free proctology exams after the age of fifty and other such unspeakable treatment. There was
San Fran Nan Pelosi, who prided herself on opposing every security measure that President Bush introduced and whose liberal west coast values were shared by at least five percent of the American public. She nodded attentively as Rosie O’Donnell warned her of the dangers of American Christianity and the evil of traditional marriage between a man and a woman. There was Barbara Streisand,
whose famous speech on hanging laundry from clothes lines in order to save energy, inspired millions of women during Earth Day a few years back. Beside her sat Harry Belafonte, pop star, whose inspiring “Banana Boat Song” was considered by many to be one of the finest pieces of music ever written. Of late, he had become a leader of the anti-Bush movement--a powerful voice of the Gray Left--whose speeches were every bit as important to American political discourse as his moving, “Daylight come and he wan’ go home” was to music. The Ditzy Twits—an all-girl band from East Overshoe, Alabama--sat in the tail section of the plane, tuning their banjos and working on the lyrics to their new CD—Country
Songs My Imam Taught Me. Owing to a recent lack of bookings in the States, their “
Embarrassed to be American” tour was scheduled to begin in Iran the following week. They laughed and joked with Tim Robbins and his
significant other, Susan Sarandon, the power couple of the Acting Left who never missed the opportunity to stand in front of a camera. Coming from Hollywood, of course, they understood better than anyone how naïve and stupid
Mid-dull America was—especially those
Red Staters who voted for Bush. Finally, there was the leader of Immigration Without Borders, whose rallying cry was: “Come for the benefits! Send Home the Dough!” No seminar would be complete without the Chief Legal Counsel for the ACLU—who was polishing up his lecture on “Taxpayer-Funded Lawyers For Those Who Would Kill Us—An Idea Whose Time Has Come.”
It was a flight unlike any other. Containing the cream of the crop, the upper echelon of the American Left—the most intelligent, gifted, informed, and above all,
politically correct, this flight was one of a kind. They boarded this plane for one sole purpose—to attend the most important gathering of intelligent and informed, correct- thinking individuals ever assembled in one place in our time. They were flying to San Francisco to attend a symposium, “
The War on Terror—Killing Them With Kindness.” The mood aboard the plane was exuberant.
Barbara and Harry crooned “Ebony and Ivory” to the applause of their fellow passengers as the plane left La Guardia. Later, Cindy led the group in “Give Peace a Chance.” The Most Reverend Jackson moved the audience to tears with his touching rendition of “Kum Bay Yah.” Now and then the group would break out in spontaneous rounds of “We Are the World.” Bound together by the moral correctness of their position, the
innate goodness of heart that all progressive liberals everywhere shared, and their undying hatred of
everything Bush, a warm, fuzzy atmosphere pervaded the cabin as they flew toward the seminar. The guests drank French sparkling water with lemon, munched on soy chips and organic cookies, and sipped lattes. All, of course, except the Senator, who toasted the group numerous times with Scotch—until his words became, like his campaign speeches, unintelligible.
Darn it, it was good to be liberal...and if the rest of the world were liberal, what a wonderful world it would be!
The plane touched down in Minneapolis to pick up some freight and more dignitaries After a short time on the ground, the flight continued. No one noticed as Ted Kennedy’s seatmate got up to use the restroom. No one knew who he was or why he was there. Some sort of Muslim-American friendship group, they thought. And, of course, no one asked. They did not want to offend anyone who might look Middle Eastern. Politically correct people do not profile, stereotype, or ask embarrassing questions. That would be worse than death; it would be, well,
impolite. It was good to fly Liberal Airlines. And it was good to feel good.
As the plane flew over Arizona, the swarthy-looking young man who had endured hours of thick-tongued, slobbery Kennedy speeches, on everything from
lifeguarding to the
loss of America’s moral compass, stood up and removed something from the pocket of his sport coat. No one had questioned him much, of course, as he boarded the plane in New York. Nor was he searched closely. The good Senator waved dismissively to the security guard at the gate, as if to say: “
He’s with me, you don’t need to search this guy.” That was good enough for the security guard—after all, a friend of Senator Kennedy’s must be okay. No Senator would endanger his fellow passengers would he? The guard felt good, the Senator felt good for being nice to this Middle Eastern man, and the Middle Eastern man—whom no one seemed to know—entered the gate, and boarded the plane without incident. They did not bother to check him against the terrorist watch list. Why bother?
Terrorists would never harm liberals.
The stranger was calm and collected. He had trained years for this moment, before sneaking across our porous southern border. His partner, a Somali-born freight handler from Minneapolis, was equally well trained. He too had practiced his part for years before he came to the United States. Although both were well trained, devout Wahhabists, eager to go to Paradise and meet the 72 brides who awaited them, neither knew the other. They were trained in different countries, and came here in different ways,
which, of course, was the whole idea. They knew what to do. Their operation had been planned from above—orchestrated from a cave in the Hindu Kush, years ago.
All they needed to know was when and where.
As he stood up, the stranger raised the switch and yelled something about “Allah.” The exuberant mood of the crowd turned into one of stunned silence.
Theoretically, it looked like a potential terrorist attack, they thought.
But that really could not be. After all, they were liberals flying Liberal Airlines and no one could have a quarrel with them.
The crowd stared in disbelief as the man chanted furiously some phrases from the Koran, which no one understood. The situation grew more tense, and crowd more jittery. This sort of thing only happens in movies, Tim thought to himself.
This could not be real life. No one lifted a finger to stop the man, of course. True Liberals do not confront evil. They reason with it, try to understand it and
relate to it. They decided to disarm him using the rightness of their cause.
They would reason him into submission.
“What is this about? We are on your side!” yelled Cindy. “We hate our country and what it is doing to your people.” “I oppose the war,” yelled Congressman Murtha, “
give us time and we will get out.” “We are your brothers and sisters,” assured Reverend Jackson, “we understand you.” “We are glad you came,” yelled Jose Jimenez from Open Borders. “We welcome all people like yourself to this country-whether you have the right to be here or not.” “Piracy is simply a form of free speech. We’ll get you a lawyer as soon as we touch down!” yelled the President of the ACLU. “I opposed every piece of national security legislation Bush ever proposed!” said Nancy, desperate to appease. “
Mor’lly…opposhed…shterotype…dishcrim’nation….,” mumbled Kennedy incoherently as he raised his fifth glass of Scotch to toast the hijacker--oblivious to the entire situation. “I have more to fear from married heterosexuals who attend church!” smiled Rosie O’Donnell. “I know you won’t hurt us!”
The stranger mumbled to himself some sort of prayer as he raised the remote control device which he had removed from the handle of the personal computer. Soon he would vaporize the plane by igniting the
plastique smuggled aboard the cargo hold during the short layover. Desperate to know, Belafonte looked at his oppressed Muslim brother and whispered plaintively, “
Why?” And, moments before the explosion that would send the cream of the Leftist Intelligentsia to the desert floor miles below, Ibrahim bin Bomben replied softly, “
Because you are Americans.”
In a fiery flash, chunks of the plane that were not vaporized hurtled five miles to the ground. The passengers who did not die instantly, barely had time to grasp the irony, before they fell to their deaths. They might as well have been a planeload of right wing, Bible thumping, conservative Evangelical Republicans headed to a Bush hog roast. For in their smug naiveté, their belief that evil may simply be reasoned with, and their blind hatred for
all things Bush, they failed to appreciate a central truth. Rich or poor, white, black, or brown, liberal nut case or crazy right wing extremist, farmer or factory worker, Democrat, Republican, Christian, Muslim, Druid or Jew, young or old, we are all, in the end,
Americans. In this war, ultimately, that is all that matters.
Too many Americans are flying Liberal Airlines. The sooner they stop, the sooner America can unite. The sooner we unite, the better our chances of defeating the enemy—
those who get up each morning and plan ways to kill your family and mine. It does not matter to the terrorists how you think or who you are. When Americans are blown out of the sky, they are just as happy either way. And, liberal or conservative, you are just as dead.
