Forget the Laughingstock Female SWAT Team. How About One for 70-year-old Men?

Too old? That’s ageism, you bigot! Canceled you must be.

The idea of a septuagenarian SWAT team comes to mind after watching a viral video of a Chilean all-female team’s grand failure at the recent UAE SWAT Dubai Police Challenge (yes, there is such a thing).

’Twas a sight to behold.

Embarking upon an obstacle course, all but one of the women quickly got stuck dangling on a cable above a pool of water, with one immediately splashing in. It was a scene that lit up the Internet and invited mockery, such as the comedic version of the incident below, set to Benny Hill music.

(Original video here.)

Okay, I know the competition featured a few other all-female SWAT teams, some or all of which did not so ignominiously fail. And, yes, it’s easy poking fun at the Chile gals’ fall into the chilly water — just as it’s easy pointing to ladies who fared better.

But anecdotes aren’t the issue. It is, rather, that many people will, reflexively and obediently, applaud an all-female SWAT team’s existence as “progress.” Instead, however, we should ask a simple question:

What’s the point?

In fact, though I’ll elaborate, I can sum up this endeavor’s folly with a simple analogy:

It’s like spending money training Chihuahuas to be guard dogs when German shepherds are readily available. You could do it, I’m sure.

But why would you?

With the female SWAT team, the answer is that this is where Equality Dogma, which thoroughly infects moderns’ minds, has brought us. Even the most important roles in our society (airline pilots and Harvard presidents come to mind) must become vehicles through which to effect social engineering. It’s a waste of resources, though, and, in the SWAT team’s case, of tax money. It also defies common sense.

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After all, if your life depended on assembling the best possible track team — without knowing anyone’s best running times — whom would you choose?

Basic profiling informs that the elderly wouldn’t even be considered. Nor would small children, the obese nor those with prosthetic legs (that is, at least not until technology delivers a real-life Six Million Dollar Man; 60 million with inflation). And given facts such as how 14-year-old boys’ records in the 400- and 800-meter runs are better than the corresponding women’s world records, females wouldn’t be candidates, either.

Rather, you’d choose athletic, lean, well-built young men with narrow hips, who are not at all bow-legged and who, if anything, exhibit a pigeon-toe foot bias (if you know anatomy). Doing otherwise would undermine your goal’s attainment and be a waste of resources.

Likewise, why is any government spending money training female SWAT members? Has a Y-chromosome-specific condition killed off virtually all the Chilean men? There surely are young, athletic, dynamic fellows ready, willing and able to perform that role — that’s where the resources should be focused.

Again, though, this is heresy to moderns’ ears. Everyone deserves a chance to participate in everything — and everybody gets a participation trophy! Diversity is a strength, dontcha’ know, bigot? And if women aren’t incorporated into every sphere (except compulsory draft registration, oddly), it’s a miscarriage of justice, somehow, and disagreeing makes you a sexist.

Alright, but then let’s have that SWAT team for 70-year-old men. Oh, just as with the women, it’s irrelevant if even the best of them aren’t as capable as the most robust young bucks. Why, I once knew a septuagenarian who could break you in half! (That’s for the “I knew a girl once who…” crew).

Be assured, too, that just as with the odd overgrown tomboy who wants to roll with Butch, it wouldn’t be impossible to find a youthful 70-year-old man who’d like to finally fulfill his SWAT-team dreams. Only backwards, ageist bigots would object.

Equality, right?

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