-Satire
Chris Matthews studio in MSNBC Building
MATTHEWS interviews EVAN THOMAS, MAUREEN DOWD, AND TOM HANKS
MATTHEWS
I'm Chris Matthews, and this is
Hardball. Tonight our guests are Evan Thomas, editor-at-large for Newsweek, Maureen Dowd, a columnist for the New York Times, and Tom "Forrest Gump" Hanks.
Now, the topic of discussion is our exciting President, his personality, his promise, his life, his intelligence, his magnetism, his sex appeal, his family, his career...
Let's start with you, Maureen. You are famous for your skeptical, almost scornful, attitude toward political establishment of any color, Republican and Democrat alike. What's your take on Barack Obama?
DOWD
You know, Chris, it's hard for me to talk about the subject--I feel that a choking lump appears in my throat when I start thinking of the great luck for our country--and actually, for the whole world!--which happened with the election of Barack Obama. Just the other day, I and three of my girlfriends were sitting on the bikes in our fitness club, working the pedals and chatting nonchalantly about this and that--and all of a sudden, the beautiful face of our President appeared on TV screen right before our eyes!
THOMAS
Maureen, you cannot say "beautiful" with respect to a male; you should say "handsome".
DOWD
Yes, if you talk about a
regular male! But
no, no, and no – if you mention Barack Obama! Look closely at his face: it has both
handsome macho features (like, for instance, his Roman nose and masculine ears), and some
beautiful feminine details--sensual mouth, sexy eyes, marvelously stretched eyebrows... But let's return to the episode in my fitness club. The moment our President appeared on the monitor, and started speaking, I felt that the bike under me began vibrating. Yes, yes, vibrating! I'm pretty much familiar with strong vibrating sensation (although not from a bike), but it was something new.
HANKS
Didn't it hurt your buttocks?
DOWD
It did. But never mind. That's how I have experienced Obama's magnetism!
MATTHEWS
(to Hanks)
Did you have a similar experience with our extraordinary President?
HANKS
No, I haven't. No vibration whatsoever. But I thought a lot about him, trying to relate him to my movie experience. And here's what I concluded: Barack Obama is our national
Forrest Gump! The same charisma, the same humanity, the same compassion, the same intelligence!
MATTHEWS
Tom, what Forrest Gump's intelligence are you talking about? As far as I remember, Forrest Gump was a bit dim-witted, wasn't he?
HANKS
(indignantly)
I am talking of
abstract intelligence on a global scale, not about some down-to-earth local intelligence... Then, I started thinking about my movie
Saving Private Ryan, and immediately I discovered association with Barack Obama:
he became President with the mission to save America!--just like brave Yankee soldiers in my movie tried to save Private Ryan!
DOWD
Bravo! Bravo!
HANKS
And there's something else--we in Hollywood decided that with the ascension of Obama the movie industry must change its ways. A couple of days ago, I invited my progressive friends for a drink in my house. You know them: Suzan Sarandon, George Clooney, Tim Robbins, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, Jane Fonda, and several more--and we came to a conclusion that sex and violence in the movies must stop! The pure Obama's image as President, on the one hand, and dirty sex with violence, on the other, are simply not compatible!
DOWD
(giggles)
But I hope, Tom, you'll leave some sex for our private usage, will you?
MATTHEWS
(laughs)
Don't worry, Maureen, he will...
(to Hanks) Tom, I must tell you I'm impressed!..
(to Thomas) What about your feelings, Evan?
EVAN THOMAS reaches into his briefcase, and pulls out a tome of the New Testament. Opens the book. Puts his hand on the Bible as if preparing to take oath.
THOMAS
(loudly)
The more I think about Barack Obama, the more I feel that he is not a human being.
He's God! Yes, he's our long-awaited Messiah! He's our Savior! He has those super-natural features in his character that only God-like personas have! I do not believe that he's made of flesh! His body, I'm sure, is made of some substance that only angels are made of! His brains, no doubt, could compete by their sophistication with the brains of Newton and Einstein combined! He can see farther and deeper that any human can! And he can easily solve all the problems that our country faces--just by applying his gifts that have been bestowed upon him
as our God!
With the last Thomas' words, MATTHEWS suddenly moans. He grabs his leg and begins massaging it feverishly.
DOWD
What's happened, Chris!?
DOWD, HANKS, and THOMAS leave their seats, and surround MATTHEWS.
MATTHEWS
Oh, oh! My leg is twitching! Oh, God! I feel a tingle in my leg! It's Obama! When I hear his name repeated many times, there appears a strong tingle going all the way up to my thigh! Oh no, I cannot continue with the program! No, No! Stop the show!
The TV screen goes blank.
Then the face of RACHEL MADDOW, a MSNBC anchorwoman, fills the screen.
MADDOW
I'm Rachel Maddow. Due to some technical problems, the
Hardball program cannot continue. We apologize for the inconvenience. Now, we start broadcasting our award-winning program for sexual, bisexual, and transsexual minorities--
Don't Ask, Don't Tell, JUST DO IT!
