G.I. Joe wins Medal of Honor, sharing joy with Obama

In a move sending waves of shock and awe through the entire armed services, G.I. Joe, with Lifelike Beard, was honored with his first Medal of Honor for service above and beyond the call of duty. This news comes on the heels of the surprise announcement that President Barack Obama had been chosen for the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

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Barack was informed of his win over his daily bowl of Lucky Charms, while still in his WH pajamas, and he immediately leapt up to dance a jig. This achievement occurred despite the fact he was unaware he was on the Nobel short list, or that he even was technically eligible for the award after 11 days of unfettered yeoman's service. Asked about Joe's selection, the POTUS answered with his typical humble aplomb, “I know the excitement and joy both he and his family are feeling right now. He's probably doing just like I am -- pinching himself while asking, “Is this Real?!!” GI Joe came into this world in 1964 and is one of the few soldiers to go on active duty almost immediately afterwards. His list of exploits and brave maneuvers are certainly too numerous to mention. But his victories in various engagements, such as the Skirmish at Malibu Ridge against Ken and Klaus Barbie; Gunfight at Popsicklestick Coral versus Kid Cabbage Patch; His Marine Battles with Sponge Bob; and of course his gory Cage Fight with Mr. Potatohead in which his opponent's ear and nose were severed, and eyeball gouged out, have all gone down in the annals of America's most heroic fights. Joe was able to endure great pain without complaint, and even survive amazing injuries without treatment. When asked, Joe attributed much of his success to his Kung-Fu Grip. The comparisons with Obama are obvious, and every bit as real. What did Obama do to cinch the award in his first eleven days? Even before his reign began, he prophesied his mere election would bring down down swollen rivers and rising tides from Global Warming. Of course this has already started to occur. He then passed the Stimulus Bill which singlehandedly solved the world's financial crisis, which would have made the Great Depression look like a failed after school bake sale. He has solved the healthcare problems of all Americans for future generations with a few speeches (excepting a few minor details still to be addressed). Obama has taught both GM and Chrysler the meaning of work ethic, salesmanship and capitalism. He has solved the race divide with a chastisement of stupidly out-of-control cops, a further pep talk and a humble beer. Obama has also closed Guantanamo Bay (but for for a few bureaucratic details). In doing so he has instructed the world that even if you are accused of terrorism, it doesn't mean you can't get a breakfast every good as one offered at the Hilton, or a massage and a nice espresso right before prayer time. The Nobel committee felt obligated to choose Obama on the basis of his many achievements for peace, including comforting Israel by insisting their country be made safer by being partitioned for the Palestinians, back to the 1948 boundaries. Perhaps this is why 4% of Israelis believe Obama has been good for their country. Yet, everyone knows that if the Palestinians can only get their land back, they will be as peaceful as slugs on fresh lettuce in their regained homes. The Nobel Committee was also appreciative of Obama's wise silence in not responding too vocally to Iran, when the people unfairly arose and nonsensically insisted a perfectly honest election was illegitimate. Of course, the Iranian Government had no choice but to begin to call out snipers to help move back the very dangerous unarmed crowds of silent protesters. Imagine if Obama had visibly protested this dangerous almost-revolution? Tehran may have felt the need to launch a few of their new nuclear missile towards America to back us off. Fortunately, they can now save those precious nukes in case they need to help Israel get an attitude adjustment for their own dangerous policies. Obama also had a wise reaction when he condemned the illegal coup launched in Honduras when a few yahoos (including the legislature and supreme court) kicked President Zelaya out of the country. The president had only attempted to pass out ballots using the army, printed up by Hugo Chavez, which would have allowed him to update the Constitution and become Honduran president for life. Obama saw this, and realized how this lawless reaction could undermine world authority, and wisely backed the Chavez faction. Obviously, the anti-imperialist book Hugo passed him, “Open Veins of Latin America: Five Centuries of the Pillage of a Continent” was read, and it helped a chastened Obama become an even better president, which many historians had already stated was a scientific impossibility. The Nobel Committee decided to award Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize based not only on his achievements, but his future potential. In this, Barack is being treated like a highly-drafted NFL quarterback rookie, given a multi-million dollar contract before throwing a single pass (the name Ryan Leaf comes to mind, of course). Listed as some of the good deeds Obama is expected by the Nobel Committee to tackle, are: Curing cancer; Delivering global health care while saving trillions; Replacing oil with the sun and building sunshine-driven cars; Moving Israel to a comfortable new settlement in Antarctica; Giving every child in the world a puppy and a lifetime dog food waiver; Digging up the objectionable corpse of Ronald Reagan, beheading and ritually burning it; Delivering a signed copy of das Kapital to every man, woman and child; Creating genuine fat loss in a single pill; Making even discussion of Capitalism or Adam Smith a felony; Using sociology to wipe out global nose-picking and other obnoxious habits; Getting rid of gravity in some vexing situations; Anathematizing John Locke; Creating a Hall of Fame for Community Organizers; and Serving upon those convicted of racially insensitive comments the death penalty, etc. With leadership provided by the likes of G.I Joe and Barack Obama, America is on the verge of her greatest achievements. Undoubtedly, the coming years will only confirm Barack Obama's status as greatest leader in history, finally nudging aside Caesar Augustus. Stay tuned, sportsfans...