Good Catholic Joe Biden Vows to Trounce Little Sisters of the Poor  

-- Satire For over 150 years an international group of Catholic nuns and other religious have taken a vow to minister to the elderly poor in dozens of countries around the world. They believe in the worth and sanctity of every person including, most of all, those who are considered by others to be weak and worthless. However these godly and humble women who devoted their whole lives to providing love, comfort and support to the poor elderly whom they serve are, unfortunately, politically incorrect. They believe in the sanctity of life from the womb to the grave. And they do not believe in abortion or contraception. Because of their deeply held religious convictions they have been subjected to years of litigation simply because they do not want to abide by a Federal contraceptive mandate that required employers to offer a plan for their employees which provides at no cost, abortion services, abortifacients and counseling thereof. In short, because they believed in the sanctity of life and because they sought an exemption from the contraceptive mandate, they were harassed by federal and state governments and subjected to potential fines and financial ruin. 

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"C'mon man, I am a good Catholic”

Luckily, however, the Supreme Court, Justice Clarence Thomas, writing, upheld a regulatory exemption which allowed the Sisters to "continue their noble work without violating their sincerely held religious beliefs.”  Put simply, the organization would no longer be forced to obey the earlier Federal contraceptive mandate which would force them to provide abortion services, abortion drugs and counselling to its employees.  However, as the "good Catholic” Joe Biden stated, he was disappointed with the ruling. He recently sought out Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha to discuss the sisters and the recent Supreme Court ruling. "Given that you are a good Catholic and you profess to admire nuns and respect religious beliefs how can you possibly be disappointed with the decision that exempts the Little Sisters from providing abortion services against their will?” Hugh asked. "C'mon man,” Joe replied, "I have stated repeatedly that I admire the nuns and they were important in forming the person I am today. I have met with some nuns in the past and have even met with the Pope before. I am a good Catholic.” "Are you disappointed in Justice Thomas's opinion in this case, holding that the regulation allowing the nuns an exemption against the contraception mandate is valid and allows these wonderful women to do their noble work without violating their religious beliefs?” "Yes, I am” stated the former Vice President curtly, "and I vow to use the full force and resources of the Federal government to fight these Little Sisters and force them to toe the line and provide abortion services to all their employees.”

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"I gotta go kick a puppy”

"How can you force these good women to violate their religious beliefs and why would you want to spend another several years relitigating this whole issue once you are elected?” "Because the Federal Government knows what is best for the people,” he replied, "and the right of women to kill babies simply outweighs a nun's right to object to it.”  "So if you are elected President you will pursue these wonderful, sweet and kind women of conscience for years in court and punish them with ceaseless litigation, expense, and harassment?” "They cannot be allowed to defy the Almighty Government and me as President. We will grind them down until they submit,” Biden stated as he began to walk away. "Are we done here? " Hugh asked, surprised by the abrupt termination of the interview. "Yeah,” Biden replied, "I gotta go kick a puppy.”

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