Headlines We Won’t See in the New York Times But Sure Wish We Could

Time Names Patraeus Person of the Year

AP New York Time magazine names General David H Patraeus it’s Person of the Year. A Time spokesperson told reporters today at a press conference that the selection of General Patraeus was a “no brainer” and that the General should be honored for being a “super patriot”. “General Patraeus demonstrated unshakable courage and leadership under the harshest conditions imaginable” states the article in the current issue of Time. “General Patraeus never faltered under hostile enemy fire”, says the article which also points out “he did a great job in Iraq, too”.

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Patraeus will be honored today with a ticker tape parade down Madison Avenue at the end of which Mayor Michael Bloomberg will present the honoree with the keys to the city. On the other side of the country ceremonies are planned today in Palm Desert, California renaming Jimmy Carter Elementary School to General David H Patraeus Elementary. Ground breaking will also begin for John Bolton Middle School.

Iraq War Won by US and Coalition Forces

Reuters Washington DC The Pentagon announced today that hostile operations in Iraq have ended with US and coalition forces having secured 98% of the country. To illustrate this point a Pentagon spokesperson compared the current state of Iraq’s security to that of Los Angeles which is 12% secured. Officials warn however that the people of Iraq must not be overly jubilant. Speaking to a large crowd, Pentagon spokesperson Duncan Hunter suggested caution: “Sure real estate prices in Baghdad are through the roof right now but the Iraqis must take care not to fall into the housing bubble trap that Americans fell into and avoid a subprime mortgage meltdown”. At the same time, Hunter suggested that adopting the sharia practice of not charging interest on loans may not be the best business strategy for the fledgling democracy. Prime Minister Maliki reached out to leaders of the US House and Senate by extending an invitation to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) and Nancy Pelosi (D-Mars) to attend the Baghdad New School of Government as his guests. Maliki hopes to offer the US house and senate leaders the opportunity to see a functioning government in action and will use this opportunity to become familiar with the principles of representative government.

Historic: Congress Approval Dips Into Negative Numbers

AP New York Polling results from a number of sources including Gallup, Zogby, Fox News, ABC, USA Today and Sports Illustrated show that this week for the first time in US history congressional approval ratings are now in negative numbers. Zogby shows Americans rate the performance of the 111th congress at -19% with a 3 point margin for error. The other national polls show similar results ranging from a low of -111% to a high of -9% in the New York Times poll. Pollster Frank Luntz was asked about these shocking numbers in an interview with Fox News: “It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen” Luntz exclaimed “our focus group testing dials are not even calibrated to go below absolute zero but somehow they did it”. Asked about the significance of a -19% approval rating Luntz explained that for comparison purposes OJ Simpson’s approval numbers generally hover around 13%.

Soros Detained at Gitmo

AP Guantanamo Bay US officials confirmed today that billionaire financier and Obama owner is being held at Gitmo. Details are sketchy but anonymous sources are confirming Soros will be charged with numerous counts of treason against the United States. Authorities at Gitmo would provide little information but when asked when Soros was likely to be formally charged the official replied: “When we get around to it”. Soros joins a growing list of high profile figures being detained at the controversial Cuban facility. Barney Frank and Chris “Countrywide” Dodd were spirited off to Gitmo in a surprise raid last month. When asked about the detentions, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi acknowledged: “Well sure we are a little nervous up here on the Hill. Who knew they were going to start enforcing that treason stuff? Obviously we would have done things differently if we had known we were subject to these war dance of the handmaidens of Halliburton laws”. Upon learning of Soros’ detention the ACLU dispatched a team of attorneys to Gitmo where they were swiftly beheaded.

The Great Gray Lady is No More

New York. The New York Times confirmed today that tomorrow’s edition will be its last. Years of declining readership and lengthy court battles on treason charges have left the paper insolvent. Publisher Pinch Sulzberger was not available for comment. Sulzberger disappeared three weeks ago and is widely believed to be hiding somewhere in Cuba. While experts claim that the Times final issue will not be in demand as a collector’s item, it will be serviceable as bird cage liner.