“I got your stimulus package right here!” exclaimed Frank and he walked into the room doing his grotesque best to impersonate a famous Michael Jackson dance move. After politely refusing to shake the Congressman’s hand,
Stoos Views sat down with him to talk. Noting that most of the proposed multi billion dollar “stimulus package” had nothing whatever to do with the creation of jobs, building infrastructure, or freeing up the credit market,
Stoos Views questioned the thinking behind the House plan, touted by Frank and San Fran Nan Pelosi. Frank bristled at the suggestion that his and the Speaker’s priorities might be a little unusual.
“Hey,” Frank began, “we won the freakin’ election, in case no one noticed, and it is time to prioritize our spending and do what is right. I get tired when the Republicans whine and moan about creation of jobs. We don’t need to create jobs, we need to provide for the welfare and comfort of people who do nothing, have nothing, and are disinclined to work. Have we forgotten that there are people out there who do not work, do not pay taxes, who took out home loans with no ability to repay them; who sit around on welfare, watch TV, have unprotected promiscuous sex and make babies? Who cares for them?
The Democrats, that’s who! Those hard working “privileged” Americans who have jobs, create wealth, pay high taxes, employ people, pay for their own TV, live within their means, try to do everything right and do not depend on the government to bail them out--those who pay their bills, do not expect hand outs, who have figured out how to convert their own TV sets and do not need the federal government to help them, will simply have to pay for those who depend on the government for everything. As George Washington said, ‘From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.’ Or, was that Karl Marx? I forget....Further, the hard working American taxpayer will also have to pay for the mistakes of incompetent public officials who were supposed to oversee corrupt financial institutions from whom they accepted tens of thousands of dollars in “donations” and, in some cases, sexual services. Remember, as the Vice President said,
‘it is your patriotic duty to pay high taxes and finance our insurmountable public debt.’ After all, our goal is equality of result and not equality of opportunity.”
When asked who the stimulus package was supposed to benefit, Frank replied: “Nancy and I have written some important provisions into the bill that we feel are sorely needed in order to set things right. These reflect good old fashion San Francisco values and my moral vision for America. First, and most importantly, we have provided millions of dollars for condoms. I know how important these things are. We want to ensure that all persons engaged in promiscuous sex--which of course we encourage--have access to condoms, free of charge so they can engage in random sexual activity. No person in this great country should have to worry about paying for condoms--
that is a travesty. We have also added in hundreds of millions for education on the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases--another favorite program of ours. Think how many people will be employed teaching sex education in schools and elsewhere. Sure, it is not like creating jobs at Caterpillar or building things, but, at a projected cost of only $500,000 per sex education teacher, we feel it is a bargain and well worth it. Then, there is AMTRAK. We need to pour hundreds of millions into a federally subsidized train system which--unlike the trains in Europe--do not make money and never run on time. But, hey, thousands of people on welfare take the train and we need to provide for them as well. Additionally, we are proud to provide tax breaks for people who pay no income taxes at all. Some might call this “welfare,” but we view it as an incentive to get back into the work force. After all, by sending people who do not work or pay taxes a tax rebate, they can imagine that they have worked and paid taxes. This will give them a feeling of self respect that they may not have. Best of all, we are allotting the NEA
tens of millions of dollars so the government can pay strange people to create artwork that no one understands, is outright sacrilegious, or promotes alternate lifestyles. I recall fondly that in the late sixties, the National Endowment for the Arts spent $15,000 of the taxpayers’ hard earned money to a photographer, Andres Serrano, to create that
lovely photograph of a crucifix submerged in the photographer’s own urine, entitled “Piss Christ.” [sic] Just think how many thousands of such works of art the government could underwrite with the funds we have included in the current stimulus package! Of course, who can forget the wonderful work of Maplethorpe whose homoerotic photographs captured the attention and admiration of hundreds of people who, well, love the display of the male organ in all of its forms? Or, the guy who, at taxpayers expense, displayed the American flag and invited viewers of his work to stand on it? Yes, by spending tens of millions of dollars on the NEA, as provided in the current stimulus package, we will spawn more work for a few artists and enable them to act out their perverted fantasies, and their hatred of the same America that funds them at taxpayers’ expense. As you can see, the package does a lot of good things for the country. Sure we have lost a lot of construction jobs, factory jobs, retail jobs, and so forth, but with these millions we can entertain the newly unemployed and take their minds off of the fact that
we in the government have done very little to actually help them.. Of course, only 4% of the funds are devoted to construction of highways and building of bridges; but if more people rode the AMTRAK, then we would not have to worry so much about the crumbling bridges and potholes would we?”
When asked about aid to states--many of which are asking for federal help as well-- Barney replied: “Yes we have provided help for the states as well. Those who could not manage their own affairs will be bailed out by Uncle Sugar. We envision many new and exciting projects that are bound to get this country back on its feet. We have heard from state and local officials about such worthy projects as a Mafia museum, a polar bear exhibit, a dog track, Frisbee golf course, and a program to curb smoking and prostitution. We also plan to allot funds for Al Gore to travel the world in his private jet and lecture on global warming, give tax breaks to people who ride their bikes to work now and then, and develop bovine anal methane collectors which farmers can use to collect cattle emissions and prevent pollution of the atmosphere. This bill is a candy store and we have treats for everyone who needs money for virtually anything.”
When asked who exactly will benefit from the current House version of the stimulus package, Frank replied: “Well, the demographic group that would most benefit from this program of over $900 billion in federal handouts, and who are
most likely to jump start our economy, would be the chronically unemployed, smoking, professional welfare recipient, who does not pay taxes, does not create jobs, watches TV all day and desperately needs a converter box but cannot afford it, reads porn, engages in promiscuous sex, and depends on the government for food, and lodging, and rides the train to apply to the local welfare office for additional benefits.
In short, many of my constituents.”
When asked, really, what experience Frank had in running anything, much less a business that actually employed people, created wealth and generated tax revenue for the public coffers, he bristled: “Of course I have no experience in the real world and have never run a business, like all those “rich people” making $250,000 per year who work 14-16 hours per day and employ people. But I have been elected to tell Americans how their hard earned tax dollars should be spent, and spending their money like a drunken sailor is what we do here in Congress.
The best part is, since incumbents get re-elected 90% of the time, even an incompetent guy like me can stay here forever!”
At the conclusion of the interview, Frank held up a condom. Pointing to it, he warned
Stoos Views: “This is what we in Congress are about to do to hard working, middle class Americans who pay their taxes, create wealth, and expect nothing in return. And believe me,
it ain't gonna feel good.”
Copyright © 2009 William Kevin Stoos
- Satire -
As the Senate debates the stimulus package previously passed by the House, the issue appears to be not so much whether the economy needs to be stimulated, but what portion to stimulate. On that subject, Barney Frank, who, along with Chris Dodd engineered the FANNIE MAE-FREDDIE MAC debacle, has his own ideas. Stoos Views interviewed Frank this week on the subject of the current debate in Washington over how best to get the country moving again. It was, all in all, a rather bizarre interview.
