I Just Simply Want to be A Good Hu-Person Being

Copyright © 2021 William Kevin Stoos I remember law school lecturers With choice of words meticulous Who strained to speak so gender-free They sounded quite ridiculous. They never said just “him” or “her,” “Him/her” was always used; Nor said they “he,” they used “he/she,” Lest they became abused By a group of vocal students (Of the feminist persuasion) Who hung upon their ev’ry word And hissed on each occasion When that poor ‘ole harried law School prof dared to slip and render Any noun or pronoun of the solely male gender.

Well, I couldn’t see the need to be Quite so gender-free; And I used to think there’s nothing wrong with using “he” or “she;” Why, I’d say “Miss” and “Missus” As callow as can be, (And open doors for ladies Out of sexist chivalry!) Yes, “chairman” was just fine with me And I had never found As good a word as “mankind”-- A collective human noun. But I am not a sexist now— As in my former days— And I believe all chauvinists Should mend their evil ways. We shall forsake all gender When our sexist age is ended And use just simply “persons,” So no one is offended. Why consider “men” and “women”— They’re as sexist as can be! (For ‘Persons” and “Wo-persons” Are truly gender free.) “Manhole “covers won’t be found In any city street— Think of them as “personholes.” (That’s neutral and discreet.) Was it: “Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men.” Those angels dared to sing? (For “Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Persons” Has a better ring.)

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“Person your battle-stations!” Will be the Admiral’s cry When those old nasty sexist days Have finally passed us by. And the first man (“person”) on The moon— That naughty astronaut— Brought gender into outer space When he spoke that sexist rot: “One small step for man,” he said “One leap for all mankind.” (I’ll bet those liberated few Blew their collective mind!) For had this sexist astronaut Been a bit refined, “'Twould’ve been a step for “person” And a leap for “personkind.” And those sexist automakers Must make a firm decision To neutralize the gender of Their “manual” transmission. Lest, through undue sexist bent Our legal system totter, Rename the crime for killing— And call it “personslaughter.” To spare those vocal feminists From further cause to worry We’ve made it mandatory that “Forepersons” lead each jury. Well, I believe each “person” Should have the right to say Whatever “he/she” wants to In “his/her” separate way. Whether “person” or “woperson,” Each should be quite free To walk and talk in “personkind” With all impunity. But for me, well, I’m no sexist (I’ll refrain from “he” or “she-ing) ‘Cause I just simply want to be A good “huperson being!”