I’ve been forced to get my flu shot early. Normally I wait until November for my vaccination, unless the federal government declares an influenza emergency. Then the resulting vaccine shortage means I get left out entirely, since I’m just a taxpayer and not on the priority list for survival.
Judging by the ads in my local newspaper, this year the market has responded to demand by offering vaccinations everywhere but Jiffy Lube. But even at a Mecca of commerce like Costco — where I got my shot — don’t expect a spa–like experience. I’ve had more comfortable and rewarding interactions with the free blood pressure machine.
The Costco warehouse dispenses shots off in the corner next to the chainlink corral where shoplifters are kept until the police arrive. It’s a lot like going to a medium security penal institution for medical care. Customers are limited to two choices: cash or check; right arm or left arm.
But even that beats the time I got my shot next to the seafood department in a Giant supermarket. Judging by the odor, I wasn’t sure if I was getting vaccine or formaldehyde.
My current haste was caused by son Karl’s return from high school with some type of disease. Karl always claims he’s not contagious as he coughs and sneezes his way around the house. But if he’s not sick, why is he lying in bed on Saturday?
You may recall I’m a strong supporter of hand sanitizer, which we buy in the handy 55–gallon drum. Since the germs Karl so thoughtfully shares enter the body through the mucus membranes and nasal passages I’ve been trying a new technique: putting sanitizer on the lining of my nose.
This requires a delicate touch. Rather than holding the bottle up to your nose and blasting away, like a neti–pot hooked up to a fire hose, I apply a little to my finger and swab the inside.
If you close your eyes as you inhale — a good idea if you tear up easily — you can almost believe you are on a mountaintop, breathing alpine air.
I don’t recommend the sanitizer–in–the–nose technique if you are driving, because should you be required to take a Breathalyzer test, the sanitizer’s bracing alcohol fumes might trigger the machine.
OFFICER: “Sir, have you had anything to drink tonight?”
MOTORIST: “No officer, but I did squirt a pint of Germ–X up my nose.”
Flu vaccine works by injecting tired and depressed flu viruses, which closely resemble Democrat Members of Congress, into the body where the invading viruses enrage your xenophobic immune system — causing it to organize, demand border fences and vote the invaders out of office!
No. Wait, that’s the TEA party.
What the immune system does is mobilize antibodies that counteract the viruses, but it doesn’t require an election.
I figured that a flu shot in time would inspire my immune system to deal with whatever disease Karl was distributing, along with any future flu. So far I’m symptom–free.
And while we’re discussing medical issues, are you aware of the large number of female MBA recipients panicked because they may miss their opportunity to have an abortion?
Yesterday the women at the Shannon household received a postcard sent by the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee on behalf of VA Cong. Gerry Connolly (D–Shapeshifter) that pictured an appalled–looking professional woman starring at a cell phone photo with her (husband, partner, casual acquaintance or random hook–up), as he appeared to say, “See, I told you it wasn’t a gluten allergy. I’ll start the car, you program the GPS for ‘Planned Parenthood.’”
This is six of these baby–as–pest–control postcards we’ve received. Of course the word ‘abortion’ is never mentioned. It’s always “choice” as if ending the life of a baby is a preference on a par with picking a restaurant for lunch.
And even then the Dems don’t really suggest these white–bread, college–educated, suburban types pictured on the card might require an abortion through any fault of their own. It’s always “in cases of rape or incest” to some other women who weren’t attractive enough to have their photo taken.
But I question the entire premise of the Democrat’s message, which has evidently been rolled out nationwide. The number of 30–year–old incest victims would probably fit on a postcard and with the ubiquity of TV shows like CSI–Everywhere you would think the one group you could rely upon to always wear a condom would be the rapist community.
So where’s the fire?
This is actually quite a switch. When is the last time you remember the Democrats running on social issues and the Republicans on economic issues? You might say the Connolly and the rest of his soon–to–be–looking–for–real–work colleagues are appealing to irrational fears and prejudices.
But that could never happen in our enlightened Age of Obama.
