"Nothing is more pleasant to the eye than green grass kept finely shorn," opined English philosopher, statesman and scientist Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626). In his day, grass was cut on hands and knees with a very crude pair of shears. It is unrecorded if the great man himself so indulged.
W. C. Fields was another lawn enthusiast. "I like this place because of the lawn. I think looking at cut grass is the most soothing thing in the world," he said of the three acres of lawn at his rented house in Laughlin Park, Los Angeles. But he didn't have to care for it himself.
Today, short of paying a lawn maintenance company, homeowners are thrown back on their own resources. The carpets of the garden, lawns have been called. They set all else off to perfection. However a patchy, tatty, worn carpet is anything but such an asset.
Commence with mowing or what has been referred to as 'coup de grace.' Many lawns are mown too short. They are not putting greens. Keep no shorter than two inches (five centimetres) until the final, late fall mowing. All else equal, this will result in thick turf capable of choking out most weeds and with a deep, drought-resistant root system. Who should carry this out? Feminist opinion asks why did God create men? Because a vibrator can't mow a lawn, they reply.
Having mown the lawn, edge where it meets beds and accessways. Use a lawn edging tool, a crescent-shaped blade mounted on a long handle, two or three times in the season. The results are sensational and will leave neighbours green with envy.
As mentioned, most weed control is achieved through mowing height. The odd adventuresome weed--dandelions, plantains and thistles especially--can be rogued out with a kitchen knife or one of a myriad of tools retailed for this purpose. In some areas, moss may be a problem, particularly under shady, damp conditions. Vigorous application of a gravel rake plus spread lime will discourage it. Lawns, as in the rest of the garden, require the attention of the constant weeder.
It takes a prolonged and, hopefully, gentle rain to top up soil moisture. Lawns, like the rest of the garden, thrive when on an inch-every-three days regime. Not every day, Make roots dig deep to search for water. When drought does strike and watering is banned, the garden will better survive. At average municipal water pressure, this irrigation takes but an hour. It is particularly effective when applied in the early morning hours, even before dawn with the utilization of a timer. So how about the neighbour who stands hose in hand? Frankly he or she does about as much good as urinating on the lawn.
Will the lawn require fertilizing? Yes, but probably not as much or often as artificial fertilizer manufacturers would like you to believe. In fact, more recently there has been a trend to revert back to before such became available and spread weed-free, rich top soil over the lawn annually. Many garden centres and other outlets now offer bags of such.
Aeration is another annual operation. The idea is to poke small holes deep into the turf, allowing air, water and nutrients to penetrate. At its simplest, ramming down a garden fork every foot or so and wiggling it will suffice. Obviously for anything but the small home lawn this will not suffice. For large municipal lawns, golf courses and playing fields, there are mechanical aerators.
Numero uno Curse of the Turf is the now-notorious chinch bug. Young and old, they suck the juice out of grass crowns. They can occur in such numbers that entire lawns are left lifeless within three days. Surprisingly, until relatively recently they were an unknown problem. Lush, over-fertilized, over-watered lawns are now a magnet. The same applies to Curse of the Turf number two: white grubs. The larvae of various beetles, they feed on roots causing brown patches on the grass above. For well-maintained lawn this is rarely a problem. At the worst, a biocontrol is available. This nematode parasitizes the grubs but must be applied in early to midsummer.
What to do about dog urine burning patches on the front lawn--the front of course. Never your own pooch. The only real answer is to water heavily and immediately. We have, however,  seen a sign held by a cut-out of a poodle, warning "Here is buried the last dog that peed on my lawn."
All seem too much? In New Zealand you can make money renting out the front lawn, According to The Dominion Post, private property owners can rent out tent space to one paying group at a time without breaching the Camping Ground Regulations. A new website selling tent sites on private lawns is among those seeking new camping regulations.
Those residing elsewhere might find solace in the advice of one William Hobson Andrew, JP, in a newspaper column on golf. "There is no greater thrill," the good legal eagle maintains, "than to drop your balls on a damp green." Obviously, he was no snake in the grass.
Wes Porter is a horticultural consultant and writer based in Toronto. Wes has over 40 years of experience in both temperate and tropical horticulture from three continents.
