Last week, I was called on the carpet. My boss runs a tight ship, and, following his terse “Shut the door” order, I learned how tight.
The infraction involved what some of my college students consider Mr. Reed’s over-insistence on punctuality, proper classroom behavior, attire, and respect for teachers. One student, who overstepped those parameters and earned a harsh rebuke, complained to his father, who complained to my boss.
When the meeting ended, I slouched off the carpet and into despair. Needing consolation, I consulted one of my daughters.
Practice appeasement, compromise, unilateral consent, and political correctness
“Dad, how many times have I told you — leave the Nineteenth Century and join the Twenty-First. You’re overly stern ways are passé; you’ve got to abandon the notion that offending people when they deserve being offended is not the modern way of doing things. Practice appeasement, compromise, unilateral consent, and political correctness.”
Ugh — so much for that daughter’s consolation. I consulted another daughter, whose advice was worse: “You should sign up for an anger management course.”
A how to on managing anger management
By coincidence, a friend sent me a story about how one guy managed anger management:
In his haste to return a phone call, Harvey dialed the wrong number. The answering party cursed him and hung up. Realizing he’d dialed the wrong number, but furious at whomever answered, Harvey dialed it again and said, “You’re a rude, ignorant jerk (nowhere close to what he really said),” and hung up.
From then on, whenever Harvey needed to manage his anger, he’d dial the jerk’s number, repeat the insult, and hang up.
One day, while waiting for a car to vacate a parking spot, another driver swerved in front of Harvey and took it. Furious, he noticed a For Sale sign on the car, jotted down the phone number and called on the pretense of wanting to see the car, to which the party replied, “Great! I’m Trevor. My address is 45789 Beachwood Drive.”
Recognizing an opportunity to maximize anger management by pitting one jerk against another, Harvey said, “You know what, Trevor, you’re a rude, ignorant jerk (nowhere close to what he really said),” and hung up.
Then he called the first jerk and repeated his usual insult, but didn’t hang up. When the guy cursed him and warned him not to call again, Harvey said, “No way, chump.”
“If you’re a real man, you’ll give me your name.”
“Sure,” said Harvey. “My name is Trevor, and I live at 45789 Beachwood Drive.”
When jerk #1 said, “I’m on my way — say your prayers,” Harvey said, “Oh dear, I’m trembling.”
Then Harvey called the police and a local television station, gave the address, and said he was on his way there to murder a co-worker.
Speeding to the address, Harvey arrived in time to vindicate his anger by watching the two jerks doing battle, as blue lights converged and reporters scrambled to take notes and photographs.
To heck with my daughters’ suggestions. Like Harvey, I’m going to devise a more satisfying, vengeful way for managing anger management.
Jimmy Reed——
Bio and Archives
Jimmy Reed is an Oxford, Mississippi resident, Ole Miss and Delta State University alumnus, Vietnam Era Army Veteran, former Mississippi Delta cotton farmer and ginner, author, and retired college teacher.
This story is a selection from Jimmy Reed’s latest book, entitled The Jaybird Tales.
Copies, including personalized autographs, can be reserved by notifying the author via email (.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)).
