Merry Politically Correct X-Mas from Obama

- And Exclusive Report from Stoos Views’ Hugh Betcha In the spirit of the season, Stoos Views’ own star reporter Hugh Betcha, head of the Stoos Views’ Religious Freedoms Bureau, winner of the 2011 “Most Trusted Name in Reporting” award and a man who walks with kings and princes, with regular access to the White House, flew his private jet to Foggy Bottom to wish his old friend Barack a Merry Christmas, before the President flew off after his family to enjoy the 139th vacation of his presidency.

After being greeted warmly by the President, Hugh, who hails from sunny Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, and the people vote red—greeted his old friend in the traditional way. “Merry Christmas, Mr. President,” Hugh said as Obama offered him his hand. “Merry X-Mas to you, Hugh,” the President replied, frowning, “but we do not use the C word in this house.” “The what?” Hugh asked with a look of consternation.

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“You know, the “C” word, the “J” man, the guy who is worshipped by X-ians.” “But why?” Hugh asked. “Because, as I tell other countries on my Apologize for America tours, we are not a Christian nation. There I go, I said it again, sorry.” “But there are Christians in your country.” “Please refrain from that word.” “Yes, there are X-ians in this country, but I do not want to offend Atheists, Secular Humanists, Wiccans, Muslims, Jews, Druids or any other religion by accentuating the “J” man or his alleged birth, so, like many retailers and Congress, we are toning down the rhetoric a bit.” “Rhetoric?” Hugh replied in disbelief. “Yeah, you know, the stuff that may offend people who are not X-ians.” “So this explains why you covered up the statue of Jesus when you spoke at Georgetown years ago?” “Who?” “You know, Je—…“ “There you go again.” “Yes that statue of the guy on the cross was just too provocative for any Atheist, Humanist, Druid, Jew or Muslim who may have been listening to my speech.” “And this is why you skipped a prayer breakfast or two during your presidency?” “Ditto, they served bacon at those and this too might be offensive to some religions.” “And is this why Congress has been ordered by your administration this year not to send cards or correspondence greeting their constituents with “Merry Christmas?” “Please!” the President yelped as he stuck his fingers in his ears, “You said it again. Yes, indeed, Congress is not to use the C word or the J word or give any appearance of celebrating the former X-ian holiday.” “And the administration now insists that any Catholic or other hospital who accepts any federal funding must now perform abortions on demand or risk losing federal funding—do I understand that correctly?” Hugh asked. “Yes, we cannot have anyone imposing their religious values on a person who wants to kill her baby—that is just wrong.” “So you in effect are ordering hospitals to kill babies by government fiat, or lose their ability to deliver life saving medical services to millions of people in the name of the right to kill the unborn and nearly born?” “Yes.” “Didn’t Herod do the same thing?” “What?” “You know, he ordered the killing of all babies in the hopes of killing the Christ child.” “There you go again with the C word. There is a big difference indeed between Herod and myself,” the President replied, eyes furrowed and glaring at the reporter. “Which is?” “Herod tried to kill the J child; we are simply trying to render him irrelevant.” © 2011 William Kevin Stoos