Obama Persuades Corn Pone Bigot, Reverend Jones, Not To Burn Koran

Asked by his friend Obama to intervene in the crisis caused by Reverend Jones, whose planned burning of the Koran promised to inflame religious hatred around the world, needlessly endanger the lives of American troops, and accomplish nothing but gain him fifteen minutes of fame, Hugh flew to Florida under cover of darkness on Air Force One to mediate an end to the crisis. After hours of hard bargaining, arm twisting, cajoling, and appeals to their "better angels," Hugh was able to broker a deal that will avert a major international crisis and calm fears of renewed religious violence and distrust between Christians and Muslims. Employing his renowned ability to change hearts and minds, it seems that Hugh accomplished more than he expected by this visit, and obtained concessions that were, in his words, "startling." Speaking remotely from a satellite phone outside Jones' church, Hugh told Stoos Views, "It was an amazing meeting and hearts were changed. I simply appealed to the good Reverend's sense of Christian charity and he reluctantly conceded that Christ taught us to love our neighbors. He admitted he had forgotten that passage in the Bible. He also admitted that he would be incensed if Muslims were to stage a Bible burning. I think the 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you,' thing was the straw that broke the camel's back. At that point I think he relented. He was practically in tears." Asked what else was discussed with the Reverend, Hugh added, "I asked him frankly, what was the greatest threat to the country right now--creeping socialism fostered by an administration that has done more to redistribute wealth, concentrate power in the hands of the federal government, spend like a drunken sailor, and tax its citizens than any in history--or the theoretical threat of another Islamist attack on America? He thought about it long and hard, and I must admit my friend Barack winced a little when I asked the question. Reluctantly, Reverend Jones conceded it was the former." Asked what the President contributed to the discussion, he replied: "The President was anxious to avert a crisis, and offered a compromise. I think he was desperate to broker a deal. So he offered to donate some books to Reverend Jones for an alternate fire." What was the deal? Hugh was pressed by the interviewer. "Reverend Jones has agreed not to burn the Koran, thank God. He is going to burn 10,000 copies of Dreams from My Father, instead."