Obama Reveals Torture Films to the Press

-Satire- In a stunning reversal of his position that the alleged torture films would not be revealed to the public in order to protect service personnel overseas from further danger and to avoid adverse publicity in the Muslim world, President Obama held a private showing of the torture films this week for Stoos Views’ ace reporter and Obama favorite, Hugh Betcha.

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After receiving a call from the President at his home in Wynstone, South Dakota, Hugh traveled to Washington D.C. to meet with the President and view the films in a private, heavily guarded screening room adjacent to the Oval Office. While he was not given copies of the actual footage, Betcha was allowed to view the torture films and report on their content in a Stoos Views exclusive. It was thought by the administration that by leaking the content to the press in this manner, the President could dampen public criticism by the ACLU and others and still maintain that his presidency was at least semi-transparent. And, since Stoos Views is a news source trusted by the ALCU, the Muslim world, and the White House, this seemed to the President to be a reasonable way to reveal the content of the films. Although the quality of the films was a bit grainy and the sound scratchy at best, the viewer is able to observe the actual “torture” of the prisoners. Although it was not as bad as the media hyped it up to be, it was nevertheless troubling to watch. It turns out that the CIA and its private contractors employed rather unique torture methods which were extremely effective--notwithstanding John McCain’s and the ALCU’s position that torture does not produce reliable intelligence. In one sequence, a group of Al Qaeda prisoners--about 20 or 30-- were bound with their hands behind their backs so they could not plug their ears. In a most hideous assault on their sense of hearing, this group was forced to listen to Barry Manilow singing “Mandy’ for ten hours at a time, at varying decibels. The group could be seen writhing in pain and screaming out in Farsi--“Enough!” and “Allah Save Us!” Unable to plug their ears in any way, they suffered this indignity until they passed out from fatigue. Although he was not privy to the resulting intelligence information that was gleaned from this group, many reportedly sang like a bird and revealed much useful information about the structure of the Al-Qaeda organization. Those who survived the initial weeks of Manilow--the hard cases--were then taken to a separate room and forced to listen to Michael Bolton for 20 hours a day. After a few days, this entire group reportedly broke. The film was a bit troubling to the viewer, who found himself replaying “Mandy” over and over in his head for a week after the viewing, and sympathized greatly with the prisoners. In a second film, a group of Al-Qaeda prisoners were locked in another room, and forced to stand against the wall with their hands tied behind their backs. This film showed a group of laughing CIA interrogators with a stack of water balloons, repeatedly throwing them at the prisoners for days on end. Referred to as “Water ballooning” this method took a little longer to produce results but, in the end, most of the prisoners--cold, wet, and tired from dodging the cold water--also gave up important intelligence information after a few days. By far the most hideous affront to the human dignity of the Al Qaeda prisoners--and one that actually caused the Stoos Views reporter to become nauseous and leave the room--was the Pelosi Treatment. In this film, thirty or so prisoners, hopped up on caffeine pills, tied to upright boards and bound at the hands and feet, were lined up facing a large movie screen in a pitch black room. For days on end, they were forced to watch the screen while a ten foot by twenty foot image of Nancy Pelosi flashed on and off every three seconds. In a gut-wrenching scene, the prisoners were seen and heard screaming in agony. It was said that even the hardest of the hard core terrorists broke after days of watching the Speaker of the House flash repeatedly before their eyes. The viewer was advised that many of these victims actually begged the interrogators to cut off their heads rather than continue to be tortured in this fashion. This method was said to produce immediate results. Visibly disturbed and shaking from the experience, Hugh took his leave of the President, thanked him for this opportunity to reveal to the world what he saw, then returned home to file this report. When asked by Stoos Views why the White House has not chosen to produce a video of the scores of soldiers, journalists, contractors, and civilians who have had their heads cut by Al Qaeda terrorists so the world could see what methods the other side uses to torture its captives, the President replied: “That might be extreme and inflame public opinion against the Muslim terrorists. We want them to like us, after all.”