“Obama The Secular” Orders Notre Dame to Hide Touchdown Jesus

After all, I am The President, ah, er “Obama The Secular” and there is no higher office on the planet than mine. Besides, since I have officially declared that we are not a Christian nation why would I want an abbreviation of Jesus’ name distracting the audience from something important--like my speech? Besides, His Majesty, and My God on Earth and Keeper of the Holy Places, the King of Saudi Arabia, and others, might be offended if they saw me speaking from in front of a cross or monogram of the name of Jesus. It is time to start elevating Man a little more and eliminating the divisive influence of Jesus and God.” Asked whether the President’s program of gradual secular humanism in government will offend the majority of Americans who do believe in God and attend church, he replied: “Of course not! After all, 54% of Catholics voted for me in the last election. Imagine that--a President who believes that teen pregnancy is “punishment,” who favors partial birth abortion, and even the killing of babies who are lucky enough to survive botched abortions (See: “Obamabortion Abomination,” Stoos Views). Hell, I even blocked the passage of the Illinois Born Alive Infant Protection Act when I was a state senator--and I still get honorary degrees from a Catholic university! Nope, it is clear to me that Americans do not mind a little less God and a little more humanism--we are clearly winning the war. Big government, loss of freedom, takeover of industry and the banking system, registration of all guns, and the diminishing of the role of religion in America--I would say our platform is succeeding quite well. Like they say: ‘When Government outlaws God, Government becomes God.’ Gosh, I like the sound of that…..” When asked about future speaking engagements, Obama noted: “From now on, I intend to speak only in venues that are “religion neutral.” Take Notre Dame, for example. When I give my “Obama Family Values” speech to the graduating class in May, I have directed that the President of Notre Dame make the campus religiously neutral. Since he is dying to have me speak there, he will do anything I say. I have advised him I do not want a bunch of religious crap on campus when I speak there. Don’t want no Son of God looking over my shoulder when I give my speech, and that sort of thing. No, this is not religious censorship at all. I just do not want to offend any atheists who may be in the audience or any Islamic jihadists who may watch the speech and get mad at the United States or myself. They might confuse me with a ‘Christian’ President.” Asked what conditions Obama has placed on Notre Dame as the price for the honor of His presence, Obama The Secular replied: “Before I speak there and receive my honorary degrees, including my B.A. (Bachelor of Abortion) and my PhD (Promoting Human Death) I have directed that the President of Notre Dame remove all religious artifacts within camera range of my podium, and cover Touchdown Jesus with a black shroud or, in the alternative, paint a football helmet on his head, so he looks less like a deity and more like a football player in a bath robe. With those changes, I shall agree to speak at the school.” Asked why he bows low in deference to a foreign king, but hides Christ at every speaking engagement, he noted: “Hey, the King of Saudi Arabia is here and now. He is a powerful Muslim leader with a lot of oil, and keeper of the Most Holy Places in the Muslim world. Jesus? I don’t see him around here anywhere…do you?” At this point, the interview concluded, the reporter bowed and took his leave of Obama The Secular, retrieving his crucifix and tie tack from the Domestic Security Police at the front door.