Obama’s “Adopt a Jihadist Program” Part 2: Gitmo Honor Graduate Resumes Career

Speaking through an interpreter at an undisclosed location in the wilds of South Dakota, Said Ali al-Shihiri, recent releasee and Honor Graduate of Guantanamo, spoke with Stoos Views today about his promotion to head of the Al Qaeda network in Yemen. Recently rehabilitated in Saudi Arabia (at once the “ally” of the United States and full-time financier of jihadists world wide), al Shihiri expressed gratitude for his release from Gitmo, his Saudi patrons, and the new spirit of naiveté on the part of the United States government which made his release and that of his fellow prisoners possible.

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“What a country!” he exclaimed as he praised the United States government. “One day I am attacking and killing Americans from bases in Pakistan, the next I am taken to your Guantanamo. There I enjoyed a six-year vacation with my fellow jihadists and was eventually released to the care of the Saudi Government. Here I am, the head of my own organization, planning attacks on your embassy and American interests all over the region. I want to thank the Great Satan for providing me with three religiously correct meals per day, daily exercise, the right to study my religion, free medical care, sunshine, and great weather. We certainly did not get this when I was hiding in the mountains and foraging for roots and berries. It was a pleasant diversion from the battlefield. And,” he smiled, “it sure beats getting your head cut off doesn’t it? Now that I have been “rehabilitated” by the Saudis at the “House of Saud 911 Memorial Training Center,” I am ready once more to kill Jews, Christians, Hindus, Muslims who happen to be in the way, and all non-believers once more. It was an honor to train where the 911 high jackers trained and I cannot thank my Saudi brothers enough for all the work they do to support jihad—whether it is the monetary support, the building of madrassas all over the world, or the state of the art terrorist training. My rehabilitation was so successful, I got a promotion—praise Allah!” He was effusive in his praise for the new President of the United States and his recently announced “Adopt-A-Jihadist” program (See, Canada Free Press, January 15, 2009 “Obama’s ‘Adopt-A-Jihadist Program for Gitmo Prisoners” © 2009 William Kevin Stoos for Stoos Views) in which al-Shihiri’s fellow prisoners are scheduled to be placed at various locations across the United States, including: the White House basement; the private residences of Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, and John Murtha; the ACLU headquarters; and in several European countries anxious to harbor more jihadist fanatics. “We in al-Qaeda take great joy in your President’s desire to release my fellow jihadists. Thanks to the President, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, the Supreme Court, and the entire American left wing Intelligentsia, my brothers in battle will soon be released and rehabilitated just like me. We thank Allah for the change in administrations, the imminent closure of Guantanamo, and the release of my brothers. Isn’t it odd? While we are learning more effective ways to bomb Americans, better ways to cut off the heads of our captives, how to deliver smaller nuclear weapons, and pathogens that can wipe out millions, your President worries about how best to give Constitutional rights to America’s sworn enemies. It seems that your government just cannot wait to release the very people who are dying to attack your soldiers and destroy your country. We are amazed at how willing you are to fall on your sword and treat your Constitution as a suicide pact. For this, we are eternally grateful.” When asked about the recent announcement by Speaker of the House Nancy “Robespierre” Pelosi that she would like to prosecute President Bush and Vice President Cheney for war crimes, al-Shihiri smiled, “Ironic isn’t it? You seek to jail those who would protect you and free those who would destroy you. No wonder you will lose the War on Terror. My rehabilitated brothers and I will enjoy watching the war crimes trial on C-SPAN from the comfort of my home while your government eats itself.”