Onomatopoeiacs

Whether a teacher uses bullying or blandishments, when he jumpstarts college kids into tackling assignments with enthusiasm, he can be certain that even the class sluggards will attempt them.

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Such was the case in my literature class when we were discussing onomatopoeia — words that create a clearer meaning by suggesting certain sounds, or that can be used for rhetorical effect. A student asked for an example, so I wrote on the board two lines from Tennyson’s “The Princess”:

The moan of doves in immemorial elms, And murmuring of innumerable bees.

Blank faces told me I had missed the mark, so I gave a few examples: doves coo, bees buzz, pigs oink, lions roar, cats hiss, sheep bleat, and frogs croak. Another student asked, “Is this device used mostly in poetry, or can it enhance prose?” When students ask questions I cannot answer without sufficient forethought, I use Mark Twain’s response to questions he wasn’t prepared to answer: “I am gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I will: I don’t know.” Then an idea struck me. Knowing that spring break was near and that students will do anything to avoid assignments which must be completed during that sometimes-saturnalia, I challenged them: “As a class project, write a two-hundred word story that uses at least thirty onomatopoeic examples. Success means no assignment over the spring break.” Without realizing it, I created a class of onomatopoeiacs. Following is the assignment, entitled “Willy Wilson Woos Willowy Woman Wilma,” submitted the week before spring break (note: Onomatopoeic words are in all-capital letters): Willy Wilson JUGGLED all the possible answers his fiancée might give to his marriage proposal. He thought to himself, I will WHISPER, “Wilma, you WILLOWY, WINSOME, wonderful woman, will you marry me?” That night he POPPED the question. Expecting her to BLURT a resounding affirmation, he was dismayed that she continued CRUNCHING Cheetos and said nothing. The only other sound was the DRIP, DRIP, DRIP of a leaky kitchen faucet. Undeterred, Willy knelt before her and proffered an engagement ring. Instead of OOHING in delight, Wilma EEKED in horror, and pointed toward a rat SCURRING across the floor. But her heart FLUTTERED when Willy courageously FLICKED open his switchblade, cornered the RUSTLING rodent, and HACKED him to pieces. The creature GURGLED a few dying GASPS and SLUMPED to the floor. Willy’s heart KNOCKED in his throat as he knelt again before Wilma. MURMURING melodiously, he repeated the question. “Yes, you brave, beautiful man,” she PURRED, “I will be your wife.” Then she planted a sensuous SMACK on his face. Willy ROARED in delight, his ardor SIZZLING as his heart THUMPED in time with the TICKTOCK of the hall clock. Soon, the two were wed, and with tin cans JANGLING and CLANGING from his car’s rear bumper, Willy VROOMED away to a secret honeymoon paradise. What a lovely story — makes one SNIFF, SNIFF. After reading the composition to the class, I onomatopoeically bellowed: “No assignment — happy spring break, you bunch of onomatopoeiacs.”