Pelosi’s Post-Partisanship War Crimes Tribunal

Nancy P.D.A. Pelosi, 60th Speaker of the House and second in the line of presidential succession behind Vice President Joe Biden, made it clear in an exclusive interview with Stoos Views today that heads will roll now that the new administration has taken over Washington. But, at least some of them will belong to Democrats. Heeding President Obama’s Inaugural Address, in which he pledged an end to partisanship, she told Stoos Views that, while she is eager to prosecute former President George Bush and former Vice President Dick Cheney for “war crimes,” her witch-hunt will at least be non-partisan.

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“Since I am the Speaker of the House, I have the power to order an investigation with a view toward exploring whether or not the former President and Vice President may have, somehow, some way, directly, or indirectly, possibly, done something for which they can be prosecuted. Since that little Texas pipsqueak and Darth Vader are gone, I do not have to pretend to be nice to them any longer.” When asked if this was the most judicious use of the Congress’ time, she replied: “Hey, I think our highest and best calling at this moment in history is to conduct hearings into this matter, spend tens of millions of dollars, consume countless hours of Congressional time, and risk dividing the country so badly that we may not heal, so we might learn whether or not there is some way to drag our former officials through the mud and send them to jail. We have a lot of time on our hands, and it is not as if we are fighting two wars, our economy is in shambles, we have to worry about thousands of terrorists who want to destroy our country and kill our citizens, or we have thousands of young people in harm’s way overseas, or anything. No, what we need right now is a good old- fashioned inquisition. It will serve as a deterrent to future misconduct, keep our elected officials in line, and ensure that no terrorist or enemy of the United States is ever made to feel uncomfortable again. If we can possibly hang this water-boarding thing on Bush and Cheney, then no terrorist will ever have to fear being made to feel uncomfortable again. ” When asked about the wisdom of prosecuting public officials because some terrorist had a bucketful of water poured on his head and was made to divulge information that saved thousands of Americans from death, Pelosi bristled: “What is more important--- the lives of thousands of innocent Americans who have done nothing wrong and just want to live in peace, or protecting a terrorist who is made to feel uncomfortable?” To me, it is a simple choice—terrorists are humans too and should be treated with dignity. If I learn that one terrorist had water poured on his face against his will, and the former President or Vice President knew or should have known, I will conduct a hearing, prefer charges, and see that they are prosecuted for war crimes. If they are hanged, so be it. Better that those who tried to protect this country hang, than for some foreigner who tried to kill us have his face soaked in water. Maybe it is just my good old- fashioned San Francisco values coming through, but, hey, someone has to stand up for the enemies of this country against the abuses of men who protected us for the past 7 years. “ Asked whether her prosecution of Bush and Cheney might be viewed as rabidly partisan in nature, she replied confidently, “No, not at all. You see, as Speaker of the House I also have the power to appoint a manager and institute impeachment proceedings against Representatives or Senators or civil officers, pursuant to the Constitution. Since our President has directed that we rise above partisan politics and enter a post partisan era of cooperation, respect for both sides, and equal treatment for all, I have decided to order an inquiry into the conduct of Senator John Kerry. You may recall that in 1971 he testified before Congress in the Winter Soldier hearings, that United States soldiers in Viet Nam were reminiscent of the hordes of Genghis Khan and laid waste to villages, killed innocent people, cut ears off people, and tortured people. In fact, as I recall, we may have the manuscripts of that testimony. I also recall that, on Meet the Press, he admitted: ‘There are all kinds of atrocities and I would have to say that, yes, yes, I committed the same kind of atrocities as thousands of other soldiers have committed in that I took part in shootings in free-fire zones.  I conducted harassment and interdiction fire.  I used 50-caliber machine guns, which we were granted and ordered to use, which were our only weapon against people.  I took part in search-and-destroy missions, in the burning of villages.  All of this is contrary to the laws of warfare.  All of this is contrary to the Geneva Conventions and all of this ordered as a matter of written established policy by the government of the United States from the top down.’ Therefore, since he either knew of, and failed to report, such conduct--which is misprision of a felony--or engaged in such conduct himself, then such actions would constitute a high crime or misdemeanor, a violation of the Code of Military Justice, and would render him subject to possible impeachment by the House—which I, of course run. Whether the Senate would convict him or not, well, that is a different story. However, regardless, in the spirit of bipartisanship and reaching across the aisle, I have decided to pursue not only the criminal investigation against Bush and Cheney, but the impeachment of John Kerry for war crimes as well. After all, it is only fair isn’t it? There is no possible way we can go after Bush and Cheney, who only arguably committed a war crime, while failing to investigate and impeach Senator Kerry who openly confessed to war crimes during his tour in Viet Nam is there? “ When asked about the wisdom of punishing public figures who tried in good faith to protect America or punishing decorated veterans like Kerry, who fought for this country, Pelosi was unapologetic. Thrusting her fist in the air, Pelosi shouted: “The socialist revolution is almost complete! As Robespierre once said, ‘some must die so the country may live.’ Right now, I have the guillotine and I intend to use it…fairly of course.” - satire -