Putting a Poll in the Field

When I awoke this morning, I wasn’t certain if I wanted to jump out of bed and begin the day or curl myself back into a groggy bundle beneath the quilt.

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After a moment or two deciding my best course of action, I put a poll in the field. It was decided 54 to 46 percent with a margin of error 2 or 3% I should get my lazy butt out of bed and get to work. When I received my credit card statement I noticed the bank had raised my debt ceiling and extended me another five thousand in credit. Noting this seemed a bit stupid in light of the fact I was close to my current limit and thus having problems keeping up with the debt I’d already incurred, I put a poll in the field. The prevailing wisdom of the 40/60 vote was, go ahead and raise the debt ceiling, chances are you won’t pay it back before you’re dead anyway. Visions of my pallbearers picking my pockets and passing out my jewelry and last few dollars to my creditors on my way to my final resting place sent a chill down my spine. I resolved to hide as much of my belongings for my heirs as I could before I was too old to remember where they had been hidden. Shopping for the holidays is excruciating. The stores are filled with bargain hunters who have no intention of spending one minute more than necessary buying that tie for Uncle Seymour, whether or not he hates green and it goes with nothing he has ever owned. One lady held up two egregiously ugly ties debating whether her mailman would appreciate stripes or some pattern too homely to describe. I waited impatiently for a salesperson to pull out the same striped blue tie I had given my Grandfather since time immemorial. Not so much because he needs another blue tie, but because I enjoy hearing my grandmother say, “He has a million blue ties, what’s the matter with you? You’ll take it back, Sol.” The holidays are also about tradition after all and it gives them something to do. After what seemed like two lifetimes, I leaned over and casually mentioned to the tortured customer, “Put a poll in the field.” “Can I do that?” she inquired. “Why not, it’s how our government runs our lives. Why shouldn’t we?” “Yes, but they ignore the results most of the time,” she shrugged. A valid point, but if it would help decide between her two ugly ties for the mailman, I was all for taking a shot. Dinner is a no brainer every night. I simply put a poll in the field. Until last night that is. Suddenly, I was called on my polling methods and accused of asking questions skewed to evoke a desired outcome. “Why do you allege that?” I asked my youngest daughter? “Ask the poll question again, Mom.” “Okay. If you were given a choice between tough steak, greasy fried chicken or yummy cheesy, creamy mac and cheese sprinkled with crunchy bacon bits, what would you prefer? I see no problem with the choices, there are three and certainly cover the taste range of an average family.” “Uh huh, well in that case we opt for the greasy fried chicken.” “I don’t have any more chicken. It had freezer burn.” “Then we choose the tough steak.” “Oops, the broiler is broken.” My daughter smirked widely. “Gee Mom, then I suppose it will be the yummy, cheesy, creamy mac and cheese heating on the stove as we speak.” “Good choice, kids. I had a feeling that would be your favorite.” Although I may have embellished a bit, it is obvious to every American by now that putting a poll in the field has become the new back up plan for politicians with no backbone. It’s the perfect tactic. They can simply say, “We asked if Americans wanted larger debt, higher taxes, inferior education and safer polar bears and they said yes. We are just giving the people what they want.” Then why are Americans taking to the streets to battle against these “choices” they supposedly agreed to? It’s easy to fix the game, all in how you cover your bases. Reporters know the trick well. I use it all the time to elicit the response I want to a question someone isn’t even aware I’m asking. I suppose the old “when did you stop beating your wife?” query applies to polls. Let’s see how the White House or a sneaky politician (sorry for the redundancy) might phrase a few poll inquires. Tell me Mr. John Q. Public: Do you agree this president is doing a better job than Stalin? Would you rather see new schools constructed or give money to foreign countries that are creating big black skies of soot and pollution over our heads so they will stop poisoning our babies? Do you oppose a new tax on luxury items for the idle, thieving rich like expensive liquors, yachts and Ferraris? Do you agree raising the debt ceiling is preferable to handing the keys to America over to China? How about those Jews oppressing an entire people that only wants to return to his or her own home? Should we help the poor, oppressed Palestinians or the rich, thriving Jewish homeland? Don’t you think it’s only fair to give Iran a chance to come to a July fourth barbecue instead of blowing up their nuclear reactors and killing innocent Iranians? Should the US dip our military toes in Afghanistan and see how it goes or pull out, lose and be disgraced like we were in Viet Nam? It’s all too easy when you know the drill. Ask anything the right way and you can make everything turn out in your favor. Putting a poll in the field is only beneficial when the playing field is a level one. As they teach in law school before you even take off your coat and sit down in your seat—never ask a question to which you don’t know the answer in advance. Now that I’ve finished writing this postcard I need to put a poll in the field to see how it turned out. Happy holidays, wishing you health, prosperity, peace on earth and good will toward all man and womankind. And I don’t need a poll to tell me all decent, normal people want exactly that for the New Year.