Safety Tips from DHS:  Lock Your Doors, the Conservatives are Coming!

Always park in well lit spots at night. Be sure to lock your car doors when driving. Don’t go out jogging alone after sundown. Avoid roaming in dark alleys.

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Thanks to the painstaking efforts of our new Homeland Security Secretary, Janet Reno Napolitano, we now know how important it is to revisit those well worn precepts about personal safety. Law enforcement officers have been teaching these basic safety rules for decades. But until Napolitano’s pioneering work in drafting a recent intelligent assessment, too many Americans were deluded about the true nature of the threats to our safety. For years, we fell for the fatuous notion that we should be apprehensive about gang bangers, street thugs and celebutards driving SUVs. Napolitano, showing the kind of dauntlessness we expect from liberals, boldly announced that the greatest menace to the American people is not al Qaeda and other Islamoterrorist organizations. Secretary Napolitano is prudently directing FBI and other resources to combating the real threat to America: conservatives! For my part, I must accede that nothing worries me more when I have to go out alone at night than the possibility of running into a group of right wing conservatives. Granted, they don’t actually congregate in alleys or on street corners, but those are not reasons to become complacent. We’re installing a new alarm system after discovering that there are a few World War II vets living in our little hamlet. To those who are skeptical about Napolitano’s revelations: reflect upon the high levels of violence at one of the largest gatherings of right wingers in history: CPAC 2009. Embittered by long waits in outstretched lines to get into overcrowded ballrooms, I heard more than one attendee mutter: “Next year, I ‘m getting the Diamond pass!” Endearing herself to a grateful nation, Napolitano didn’t limit herself to an indictment of those dangerous right wingers who favor rights for the unborn and controlling our borders. She employed her acclaimed expertise in the field of psychology to caution us about the risks posed by military veterans. How I wish I had known this before attending a recent Friends of the NRA fundraiser! In retrospect, I now can appreciate how fortunate I am to have made it out alive. In response to the inescapable outcry from all sane American citizens, Napolitano issued a cleverly crafted non- apology, in which she explained that she never meant to suggest that our returning military heroes are actually deranged psychopathic killers. What she had really meant to say was that they just don’t have enough gumption to resist the siren song of crazy extremism. As incontrovertible evidence of the soundness of her hypothesis, Reno Napolitano presented the case of former soldier, Timothy McVeigh who blew up the Alfred P. Murrah Building in Oklahoma City, fourteen years ago. For the record, Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn’s group, the Weathermen, is credited with no less than thirty bombings. How lamentable that liberals have no sense of irony. They can’t appreciate the FBI’s recent announcement naming its newest most wanted terrorist: Daniel Andreas San Diego, from Berkeley. Someone please look this up: is Berkeley an asylum for right wingers? Homegrown terrorist, San Diego, is a left wing animal rights loon. No indication to date that he ever served his country in the military. If Secretary Napolitano were serious about protecting the country from dangerous extremists, she would put Barack Obama on the watch list. The current President of the United States could not qualify for the lowest level security clearance. His long term associations with Bill Ayers, Bernadine Dohrn, Jeremiah Wright, Frank Marshall Davis and Rashid Khalidi would knock him right out of the running. It’s easy to laugh at the latest buffoonery in the most corrupt and incompetent administration in history. However, we cannot afford to disregard the message. Barack Obama has consistently exposed an eagerness to seize power by circumventing the democratic process. Federal resources are now being aimed at monitoring the most patriotic among us while the bona fide terrorists are to be cosseted. This offensive against our military is abhorrent to the vast majority of Americans. Self serving politicians would be well advised to keep in mind that 2010 will be a time of vulnerability for all incumbents. Every judicious American is watching to see which of our elected officials will condone this administration’s contemptible abuse of our soldiers.