Senator Dodd Calls For His Own Resignation A Second Time

-Satire- In a rare moment of candor and self introspection, Senator Chris “Always Interested in Gifts” Dodd, Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, called Stoos Views today to confess that he is a “hypocritical, duplicitous no- good scam artist “ [sic] who has shaken down Fannie Mae, and Freddie Mac, obtained preferential loans from Countrywide, and was the beneficiary of $103,000 in contributions from A.I.G., during his recent 2008 Presidential election campaign. He used his interview with Stoos Views to announce his upcoming second offer of resignation.

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“I think it is time for me to go. Even I cannot stand my own hypocrisy,” he told Stoos Views reporter Hugh Betcha, this week. “Here I am, in a position of public trust, taking enormous contributions from entities that I am supposed to regulate, and hoping no one would notice. Well, the public has found me out once again and I feel ashamed to be in the limelight. Let’s face it, I am a crooked politician and there is no arguing that. After all, I was not only one of the biggest recipients of money from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac—taking well over $100,000 from them-- but I also shook down the big dollar execs at AIG for campaign donations as well. Boy is that a mess now. Since I have been caught at that as well, and since the country is in an uproar over AIG, I am going to give back all those contributions as a sign of my “good faith.” And, frankly, to cover my a** with the public. Oops, don’t print that please,” he said, sheepishly. When asked why he originally denied any knowledge about the millions in bonuses paid to incompetent AIG execs and then, in an about face, admitted that he wrote a loophole into the bailout package that allowed his AIG buddies to received millions in bonuses from a company that managed to lose billions of dollars, Dodd replied: “Well, I am not only dishonest , but I am two faced as well. Funny, isn’t it,” he mused, “the AIG execs get paid millions to run the company into the ground and Barney Frank and I get hundreds of thousands for our inept performance as watchdogs of the federal banking system as well. Perfectly consistent isn’t it? They get paid for their incompetence and so do we!” he laughed. “And the amazing thing is, that when I retire, I will get a huge federal pension with all the perks, as a reward for my years of living off the public dole. What a country, huh?” “Frankly,” he continued, I think I should step down as Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee. That would only be right. Why should an incompetent , dishonest person like me remain in this important position of public trust? I know I told you last December that I was going to submit my own resignation—but I backed off, hoping that I would reform. But I did not. So, it is time for me to go. This time I really mean it!” When asked about the fact that President Obama has also backed the payment of billions to AIG while talking nearly as much from AIG during the last campaign as Dodd—over $100,000 as well—Dodd was refreshingly honest: “ Yeah, fair’s fair. The President needs to step down as well. What sort of President takes over a hundred thousand bucks from this company, then presses for billions in aid to the company after he is President, and pretends to be outraged by the huge bonuses paid to his buddies and mine? Hell, we are the ones who greased the skids! Yep, he needs to go too. Therefore, this date I have called upon him to resign as well. It is only right. As long as Nancy Pelosi is going to convene a witch hunt and investigate the former President and Vice President for war crimes, we can save the taxpayers a bunch of money and add Obama to the list of Defendants as well. War crime, graft, influence peddling—hey, they are all high crimes and misdemeanors, so let’s charge all of them and clean house. As I told the Chairman of GM during my self-righteous tongue-lashing of him last fall—it is time for a change in leadership.” When asked who else needs to go, Dodd was perfectly blunt: “Barney Frank! After all, he assured the American public that Freddie and Fannie were solvent and in good condition. But we sure discovered that was not the case. And he pretends to be outraged by the current financial debacle? He is a bigger hypocrite than I. I think Barney’s Fannie Mae be hanging out on this issue as well,” if you will pardon the pun.” With that, Dodd concluded the interview to retire to his office in order to draft his upcoming resignation letter.