State of the Union 2013

"Good evening. And a special welcome to the many outgoing Democrat congressmen and senators. I know you blame me for the staggering losses our party suffered in the last election. The good news is, you and I have pensions for life. Incidentally, that’s almost as long as the new, long-term unemployment extension we passed during the lame duck session. The bad news is, we’ll have to borrow the money to pay for those programs from Uruguay. I want to thank each and every American who voted for me, especially the record numbers who did so posthumously. I only wish you had voted more often. I want to take a moment to look back on our achievements. We passed a national health care program. I know the Supreme Court struck it down as unconstitutional last summer, but remember, the law was on the books almost long enough for an average American to read the entire 1300-pages of that law.

I stopped the Keystone pipeline, hobbled the domestic energy industry, and made worldwide oil reserves available to the Chinese. I think we can all see the results in reduced traffic at the drive-through and increased sales of bicycles and skateboards. I know a gallon of unleaded will now set you back twelve bucks, but the good news is, you can now pay for that gas with food stamps. The size of our military is now one tenth what is was when I took office, and we are engaged in no foreign wars. Sure, Taiwan, the Philippines, and Maui are now colonies of the People’s Republic of China. Yes, Mexican drug cartels have surrounded the Alamo. And, admittedly, the number of rogue states with nuclear weapons has grown exponentially to include Iran, Venezuela, Cuba, Luxembourg and Solyndra.. But we’re not economizing on our security. I have doubled the number of TSA airport security officers, and authorized them to conduct strip searches on anyone who even drives past the airport. Thanks to bailouts and takeovers during my administration, the government now owns 45% of private businesses in this nation. We have had a 98% success rate in running those businesses into the ground. By the way, I don’t agree with critics who say that including permanent Obama 2012 bumper stickers on all new GM cars was responsible for that auto company’s plummeting sales. The best news is that this nation, struggling with unsustainable debt, massive unemployment, declining international prestige and influence, and worthless currency is not my problem anymore. Since the election, the Republicans are in charge, so we can go back to blaming them."

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