Walking Clueless in the Big Apple

Bump, Excuse me. Sorry about that. It’s a fact of life in New York City that body contact, the bumping into another person, is going to happen. Not to be confused with bumping into an old acquaintance on the street. I’m talking about shoulder to shoulder stuff or accidentally stepping on someone else’s foot.

---

This article is a mini-primer on the ways in which New Yorkers routinely crash into each other, a light bit of reverie during these political primary, Iran-Israel confrontation, distressed America times. First the basics: Trains and buses are often crowded in New York. Most days transportation is pretty straightforward, buy a ticket, pay a fare, and be on the way to work. Take for example a commuter train, which have been making these trips for more than 100 years from suburb to city. One hopes to get a seat alone. Usually though, someone sits down beside who may be of wide girth, and two are pressed together. The classic example of this is when the MTA, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority, bought Japanese train cars for the New York City subway during Japan’s heyday as a world economic power in the 1990s.

---

---

Lo and behold, against precedence, the Japanese train car makers installed a kind of individualized seat bench, an ugly yellow and orange color by the way, rather than the typical straight bench. It would have been no big deal except the individualized seats were built to fit the typical Japanese person, so when New Yorkers tried to sit in them there was not enough room to accommodate two people sitting down two abreast. So when these train cars, which are still in operation more than 20 years later, open their doors on the subway platform and people expectantly hope for a seat, they see ones available, but there is no room to sit down on them. Why the MTA doesn’t replace these seats with a flat bench in these otherwise well-working train cars, like the ones that are in the new Bombardier train cars, is anybody’s guess. Another word about subway travel in New York City: Besides being crowded, in the summer they can be hot and stinky with malfunctioning air conditioning. Nevertheless, nothing beats the subway and shoe leather to get around quickly in New York City. There is etiquette to it, though. One has the right to push into a subway car as much as humanly possible. There is always room for one more person who is sufficiently in enough of a hurry to justify what would seemingly be anti-social behavior. However, the rule is that one must let people off the train first before getting on or frankly you are without class. Unfortunately, the New York City bump also includes the New York City Grope as the close proximity of people in subway cars can and does apparently lead to mashers with wandering hands taking liberty with other’s body parts. Really, there are signs to remind people not to “reach out and touch someone.” Remember that subway etiquette also includes folding one’s newspaper correctly while it is being read so as not to brandish elbows and even to allow others to read it! Ok, let’s get off the train and back onto the sidewalk. The major issue besides the pulsating humanity and the lack of space on Manhattan is “slow walkers.” This is New York and people are rushing and stressed. Yet similar to slow drivers causing madness as they travel well under the speed limit in the passing lane, slow walkers in New York make it extremely difficult to pass on foot. After one passes them though, it is almost required to turn around and glare at them as if they have three heads and are from another planet. One should not go as far as to ask them what in heavens they are doing in New York City if they can’t move at a decent pace while walking. Come to think of it, it doesn’t hurt to “accidentally” bump into these slow walkers as a bit of a statement their slow walking is not appreciated. The most classic New York City Bump, though, occurs casually, and yes, somewhat accidentally. A person is walking and speaking on their cell phone or gazing upwards or just not really paying attention, and bumps into another. The person keeps moving, but the other person, the person bumped, is “not amused,” and turns to follow the bumper for blocks if necessary in order to escalate the situation into a sort of stalking encounter. Eventually, this aggrieved bumped into person, avers an “excuse me,” to the person who bumped him, and tells him, “Do you realize that you bumped into me?” At this point, when confronted, the witless bumper better utters a heartfelt, “I’m sorry” because if not, the situation is going to escalate further from a verbal confrontation to a physical one, if necessary. It usually doesn’t, but be aware that you don’t want to accidentally bump into the wrong person while walking clueless in the Big Apple. Of course, murder and mayhem and vice are much more serious and interesting in New York. However, to conclude our little observation, there is one more new risk discovered recently and worth mentioning, and that is what I’ve come to call, “arm swingers.” They seem on average more likely to be women of a post-40 age, but can men can fit the bill, also. Typically, they are carrying overloaded bags in one arm and because the bag or bags are so heavy they need to swing their other arm in order to keep moving and not fall over. The problem these arm swingers create is that they invariably make a fist with their free arm and if you happen to be the right height and of the male persuasion, you are at risk of a wide arc of trouble hitting the wrong spot on your body. This special danger is most pronounced going up staircases. So if one pines for open space, say in a national park, or car life that brings one to endless mall parking lots, stay out of Manhattan, and stick to Montana or the suburbs, respectively. For here in New York, it’s tight quarters all around and be prepared to be bumped, like it or not.

---