Watermelon: Modern Day Love Potion?

-- Satire -- Modern medicine has blessed mankind (and indirectly, womankind) with the miracle of Viagara, a costly but effective solution to "Missile Fizzle," euphemistically known as erectile dysfunction (ED).

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Although Viagara is as manna from Heaven to those who suffer the withering effects of ED, medicine appears to have stumbled on a relatively inexpensive alternative that could revolutionize courtship, mating, and, in more severe instances, love itself. Specifically, scientists in Lubbock, Texas report that a slice of cold watermelon can have almost the same effect on one's sexual "readiness to serve" as Viagara! (Breitbart) Before delving into the details of watermelon as the cure all for those unable to rise to the occasion in life's most intimate moments, one should pause to ask, "What sort of perverted scientist would waste laboratory time speculating about the aphrodisiac qualities of watermelon?" How is it that this hypothesis was even posed in the first place? Perhaps some cross eyed nerd in a lab coat and face mask too tightly bound to his cranium allowed his fertile mind to wander a bit too much. If so, he most likely asked himself, "Would watermelon improve the statistical probability of me being able to perform like a stud, instead of a dud, when it comes to intercourse? At a 95 percent confidence level with all "outliers" removed or accounted for?" Thus was born a federal grant authorized by the FDA for a research project lasting five years and costing taxpayers $10 billion, not including abortion or delivery costs resulting from overly productive experiments! Watermelon as a love potion will surely change most aspects of romance. On Valentine's Day, for instance, amorous-minded males might eschew the traditional gift of chocolates and red roses, and instead bring their fair maiden a slice of cold watermelon and two forks. Or, in the case of men over 55, two slices of watermelon and one fork, kept securely tucked away in his locked attaché case. Taking the object of one's affection out to an expensive five star restaurant for a $200 prime rib dinner could become foolish and "old school" if a $3.50 slice of watermelon could accomplish the same result in one's apartment! The only potential drawback would be awkward moments during a first date. How to explain those cold watermelons on the floor between the driver and passenger in one's convertible Mustang? Still, the really skilled man will be able to convince his maiden to fetch the watermelon for him. The only question that a properly trained woman should have is, "Seedless or not, love?" Some women, like the feminist fascists portrayed in the book, "She Inc." authored by Kenneth J. Gross, will resist fetching watermelons for their men. Fret not, my male comrades: Without exception, all such women are not worth a slice of valuable watermelon rind anyhow!

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