Why Obama will never understand Netanyahu

--Satire: Another Exclusive Hugh Betcha Report It is no secret that the President of the United States and the Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, don’t hang out. In fact, they appear not to like each other very much. This is unfortunate because—whether Obama likes it or not—Israel is our most trusted and important ally in the Middle East. Perhaps it is our only real ally in the Middle East. Although the friction between these two allies is palpable and widely reported in the press, no one has ever answered an important question: “Why?” Until now….

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This question so intrigued Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter for Stoos Views International Media Conglomerate and Head of the International News Bureau on Middle Eastern Affairs that he decided to investigate further into the roots of the distrust and chilly relationship between these two important leaders. Hugh, winner of the CNN “Most Influential Reporter 2014” award and of the MSNBC “Reporter We Would Most Like to Hang With 2014” award—a man with unlimited access to the Palestinian Authority, the Israeli cabinet and the Oval Office--found that the reason for the rocky relationship between Obama and the Israeli Prime Minister was simple: they have nothing in common. The reporter summarized the difference between the two leaders succinctly as follows: Netanyahu’s Biggest Worry: The very survival of his country Vs. Obama’s Biggest Worry: Where to golf next Netanyahu: Spent teens and twenties serving in military, fighting enemies of Israel Vs. Obama: Spent teens and twenties smoking dope Netanyahu: Secures the borders to protect the lives of his citizens Vs. Obama: Favors no borders and support of illegal aliens at citizens’ expense Netanyahu: Wounded in war time defending his country Vs. Obama: Hurt his back bowing to foreign leaders on World Apology Tour Netanyahu: Kills terrorists Vs. Obama: Hangs out with terrorists—Ayers and Dohrn Netanyahu: Not afraid to exercise military power to protect his country Vs. Obama: Abhors military power and prefers imaginary red lines Netanyahu: Brother died bravely in raid on Entebbe to free Jewish hostages Vs. Obama: Brother lives in a hovel with no help from Obama, a multi-millionaire Netanyahu: Israel has the right to attack terrorists lobbing missiles into Israel Vs. Obama: Israel should exercise restraint in the face of Hamas aggression Netanyahu: Viewed as a strong, decisive leader Vs. Obama: Viewed as weak, indecisive leader Netanyahu: Favors citizen ownership of guns to protect against terrorists Vs. Obama: Favors gun control by the government, fears citizen ownership of weapons Netanyahu: Maintains strong military to protect country against terrorism Vs. Obama: Fires thousands of combat hardened military officers in face of increased terrorism Netanyahu: Does not need advice on how to defend his own country Vs. Obama: Sends the effete and ineffectual John Kerry to tell Netanyahu how to defend Israel Netanyahu: Spends millions defending Israel against Hamas Vs. Obama: Spends millions supporting Hamas (aka Palestinian Authority) After filing this report, Hugh attempted to contact the Prime Minister and the President to elicit their opinions on these matters. Unfortunately, Netanyahu was engaged in an emergency meeting with his security advisors and could not be reached for comment. President Obama—engaged in a golf game at Martha’s Vineyard—had “no comment,” according to his Press Secretary, Earnest Lee Joshing.