“Darling, A Prostitute Saved My Life!”

By W. Gifford-Jones, MD and Diana Gifford-Jones —— Bio and Archives March 12, 2010

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What a way to leave this planet! A recent report reveals that an elderly pensioner, having taken an erectile dysfunction drug (ED), died in a brothel in Lugano, Switzerland, after a night with a prostitute. This is great promotion for the makers of ED drugs. But not so good if their effectiveness puts your name in the obituary column!

The owner of a sex club remarked, “Having customers die on us isn’t exactly good publicity.” The solution was obvious. Lugano’s 38 sex clubs and brothels will now install cardiac defibrillators. Defibrillators work by delivering a controlled electric shock to restore the normal heart beat. In this case the shock won’t be delivered by paramedics, but by a “lady of the night.” She won’t get any credit for the life she saved. After all, I can’t envision any husband saying, “Darling, a prostitute just saved my life”. Or a man attending a dinner party with his wife saying, “I’ve just suffered a cardiac arrest and my life was saved by a prostitute.” It’s never been a fair world, but I’d hope the lady would at least receive a good tip. Fortunately, modern defibrillators have become so simple to operate that practically anyone can use them. This is good for manufacturers of this equipment as more brothels are planned to handle the work load. The Italians newspaper, Corriere della Sera, reports that brothels in Italy are illegal so thousands of Italian men cross the border to have their nerves soothed by willing Swiss ladies. Before anyone makes a judgment on Swiss brothels, remember that a wee tipple and a little amour aren’t just for the young. It may be that this elderly lonely pensioner became tired of sitting all day in a sterile nursing home looking at four walls. No doubt he needed a diversion and wanted to recapture his youth. Remember, we may all be in the same boat one day. The Italians might take a lesson from the Danes and learn how one institution, Copenhagen’s Thorupgaarden nursing home, helps to ease the tensions of its residents. The medical staff, after I’m sure a number of fascinating discussions, made an earth-shaking announcement. They decided in their infinite wisdom that pornography had a significantly greater calming affect on seniors than Prozac. And that every Saturday night pornographic movies were to be shown on the home’s internal channel. At this point I imagine that a number of proper North American readers are turning red. But you haven’t heard anything yet. That’s not all that happens at Thorupgaarden. If a resident is still feeling depressed after looking at pornographic movies, the staff have one final therapeutic offer. A resident can request that a prostitute be allowed to visit him. I’m sure it’s more effective than a sleeping pill. A Danish spokesperson for the Danish Seniors Lobby Group says that “pornography is healthier, cheaper and easier to use than medication”. If this is true, it’s a novel way to reduce the health cost of this nation. No doubt it would get a vote from many seniors, who despite what their kids think, still enjoy sex. So how have Danish citizens and Thorupgaarden residents reacted to this unorthodox therapy? During it’s three years of operation there has only been one complaint about the videos. However, child pornography is another matter. I’d string up those who are involved in this practice, or much worse. It’s also unfortunate that lonely seniors have to resort to Lugano’s “Ladies-of-the-Night.” Cardiac defibrillators in brothels do make sense, particularly if you’re cheating on your wife. This can be risky stuff as Tiger Woods has found out. But at least he’s still alive. Others are not so lucky. Studies show that wife cheating is sometimes fatal as Nelson Rockefeller discovered. He died while having sex with his secretary. Prior to this news item I didn’t realize there were so many brothels in Lugano. It’s also ironic that, just by coincidence, I’m leaving shortly for Switzerland and Lugano. I’ll knock on the door of one of these brothels, but only to see if defibrillators have been installed. After all, I don’t want my wife chasing me with a golf club!