Belly Button aficionados, or "Buttoners," have circled the globe in a wave of outrage, disbelief and pinky-linking fraternity, demanding to see proof of Barack's Button. Without this question answered they claim they will not accept Obama coming from human origins. Buttoners have espoused various theories. The tamest believe Obama the result of genetic experiments, al la
Dr Moreau. Others, especially Assembly of God members, believe that--in a subtle nod of the head to his real father, careful examination of his parts will reveal a
cloven hoof. Then others, the galatically minded, see a more celestial origin--being Alpha Centauri, the Crab Nebula, or even Uranus. Curiously, the colonies of Mars via the Nation of Islam have been cited as perhaps the most likely origins. A minority believe Obama a replicant, or Body Snatcher. Uncovering this divine mystery of Barack's missing Belly Button is the topic of this essay.
I. Where IS the Barack's Belly Button?
Countless
pictures of Obama have been taken, but very few of
his bare midriff. Why? Further, when Obama has been
photographed topless, there is often a
fuzzy blob above his waist. Worse, in a few pics once can detect an
obviously photo-shopped belly button. So, what gives here?
You don't need to be a UFO-ologist to know that one of the
hallmarks of alienhood is
a missing belly button. But why is this? The typical human is nourished in the womb for an approximate 9 month period intravenously,
through the belly button hole! But for
alien life forms there are other methods for growth, by way of sprinkling fish flakes into a
test tube, or other forms of nutrient osmosis. But lacking a belly button is one of the great hallmarks of alien life forms, according to Art Bell & George Nouri. And the shocking fact is--Obama was "born"
without one.
II. Does Barack Call Dr. Moreau or Satan, "Daddy?"
Of course, given the creative and seething nature of Barack doubters, other theories of his manifest alienation have been posited. One theory has
Obama being raised in a factory with other pseudo-humans by a mad scientist, on some remote island. In fact, the name of Doctor Moreau has been bandied about as a model, and his
human-animal hybrids. This might explain Barack's seeming inability to understand the human idea of a balanced budget. And also, his
Animal Farm fixation with all people being equal, but some folks being "
more equal than others."
Other folks, perhaps the more religious, see in the lack of a stomach port hole the fingerprint of another character. This would be the great spoil sport himself,
Satan of Hades (formerly of Eden). That Barack could have such a famous and accomplished parent would no doubt impress many of the most stalwart of Liberals, and would deliver certain bragging rights. Yet, august parentage aside, this could explain why Barack could not bring himself to salute Easter, the celebration of Christ's resurrection, since that would be Daddy's arch enemy. Further, if Barack had
signed a Faustian bargain for world power with
el Diablo in
exchange for his soul, this could also explain how he could get such power while barely able to read his speeches from a glorified sandwich board.
III. Nation of Islam & Men From Mars?
Given Barack's apparent identification with Islam over Christianity, perhaps his origin is associated with American Islam, as represented by Louis Farrakhan? The original American Muslims, aka
Nation of Islam (NOI), posit a wonderful cosmology. They claim a band of super geniuses created the universe, and then populated planets like Mercury and the earth, etc. These were the original inhabitants of our solar system, sent to colonize our planet, led by prophet-scientists like "
Yakub." After placing people on earth, these celestial geniuses still watch over
terra firma in a terrifying Mother Ship, aka the "Wheel."
Founder of
Nation of Islam, traveling dry goods salesman
Wallace Fard Mohammad, was really NOI's Messiah and Allah, and
he will return someday to his people on earth. Of Fard
it is said,
He spoke of a giant spaceship, called the "Wheel", which could inflict retribution on the evil white race, should they harm the Nation of Islam.
Wallace Fard Muahammad wrote:
THE WHEEL is in fact a ship (plane) made like a wheel. And it is made for the purpose of Allah (God) Carrying out His Aim upon this world. This WHEEL is by no means to be taken lightly!...The planes on this WHEEL will be sent down, earthward and are capable of destroying the world almost at once. THE WHEEL (the Mother Plane) is capable of carrying many people in it! The Wheel is 1/2 mile by 1/2 mile in size. The Wheel is capable of sitting up above earth's atmosphere for a whole year before coming down into earth's atmosphere to take on more oxygen and hydrogen for the people who are on this plane (THE WHEEL) O she is a wonderful thing!
Funny enough, there is also a colony of men on Mars from which Obama could have been sent, much like
Superman from Krypton. Continues Wallace Fard:
If the Black Man created the heavens and the earth.. AND THE BLACK MAN DID CREATE THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH... then what man is fool enough to challenge the Black Man... VENUS AND MARS... you cannot use Venus and Mars. The people on Mars will not you light (land) on Mars. If they do let you land on Mars, they will be silly to do so... YOU would like to see what the people on Mars look like. That is not, say, impossible. O WHEEL... the greatest mechanical defender, powered by the Spirit of Allah, to Protect us, the BLACK PEOPLE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.""
In any case, an
alien autopsy is certainly called-for in this instance.
IV. Body Snatcher Barack?
A last theory to explain Barack's downright alien "
otherness" is to suggest he has somehow been taken over by space alien
body snatchers, Georg Soros, or both! Of course, with
Soros' hideous mug, bringing to mind
South Dakota's Badlands during the Great Depression, and odd,
Nazi-esque diction, Soros himself seems a likely candidate to have been replicated by unfeeling aliens taking over earth.
In the
original story, space flowers fall to earth, are taken into houses by oblivious humans, and then the flowers shoot out pods which at night take over the humans as
homo sapien replicants. Does Barack not seem like a human replicant when off his teleprompter? And is it not obvious he lacks training in any traditionally beneficial human activity? The reader can make up their own minds on the likelihood of this. But again, this would explain WHY Barack has no human belly button, or accompanying lint!
V. Constitutional Dilemma or Harmless Physiological Anomaly?
Does the Constitution block people without belly buttons from higher office? Unfortunately, not currently. But if Americans could be persuaded to give the kibosh to alcohol, or allow women the vote, such an Amendment should be a shoe-in. But until that time comes, America remains in danger of being menaced by
belly-button-less alien intruders.
VI. Conclusion
Had the blessed Founders spent a bit more time upon the Declaration and Constitution, they probably would have realized the belly-button is an absolutely essential accoutrement for a president. Further, if they had merely been a tad more far-thinking, they might have exchanged their silly demands for American presidents to be born in the States for the simple and eminently easily proved belly-button.
Hopefully, the intrepid Buttoners will not give up until they get the proof they need that
our president is truly an alien amongst men.
Lefties across America heaved a communal sigh of relief when Obama's Hawaiian birth certificate was put online for the world to see. In fact, very few even seemed to mind the obvious eBay price-tag in one corner, or the Made in China watermark where a seal should have been, on the other. Even the fact the attending physician had the same name as Uday and Qusay's personal doctor did not seem to dampen the spirits of the celebrants. But a new Barack birth issue has already raised its ugly head, but this time it's physiological. Namely, whither goes Obama's Belly Button?
