Hillary routs Bernie in New York, inspires vomit inquiries with awful victory speech

I'd gone to bed a little after 10 p.m. Once Miggy struck out with the bases loaded in the seventh, the Tigers' chances of completing a comeback against the Royals weren't looking too good, and we were on our way to an 8-6 defeat. What possible reason could there be to stay awake?

An interesting foreshadow: Several hours earlier, my son informed me that he had hurled up his dinner. Bummer. Just a random occurrence, I thought at the time. It turned out he was merely having a pre-reaction to an event soon to come. My alarm goes off at 5 a.m. and the first thing I see on my phone is an e-mail from the boss, who had apparently been watching some shrieking woman giving a speech, and wondered if I, like he, was feeling my retching reflex in action. Dude! I had happily drifted off into dreamland. You don't stay up late and watch blood-curdling horror television just before bed. Or do you? It's probably better than watching it first thing in the morning, because how am I supposed to have a good day after watching this? For a moment, forget the yelling, the shrieking and the screeching. That's every Hillary speech and it's hardly even worth ruminating about again and again. One thing I'm noticing is how banal and standard-issue every Hillary speech is. They follow the conventional politician template to a T. First your glorified surrogate revs of the crowd with this cue-and-response routine. "If we want this, if we want that, if we want the other thing . . ."

You half-expect the crowd to respond with "Lord, hear our prayer," but of course they say, "We need Hillary!" Because that's what they were told to say. Then out comes the candidate with her family. First, everyone on stage with her has to kiss and/or hug her. By the way, I had a wonderful mother-in-law who we sadly lost a little over three years ago, so I never experienced mother-in-law-from-hell syndrome. But this guy? Hillary routs Bernie in New York, inspires vomit inquiries with awful victory speech Yeah. Anyway: Next comes some witty comment about how this win is particularly special. Then the shout-out to all who volunteered and gave money. Then the veiled shot at your primary opponent, followed by an not-at-all-veiled and totally over-the-top shot at your potential general-election opponents. Now we get into the litany of all the things you're going to do as president, from esoteric policy nonsenese to healing the hurts of every person, except Republicans and capitalists, of course.

But wait! What's next? Well, our work is not finished, more people need to be heard, so scream out a list of all the states you're going to next! Scream it! It worked great for Howard Dean! Have you noticed that every time Hillary starts talking in lists, the last item on the list sounds so hoarse and screechy she almost sounds like she's going to gasp on her own blood? The rest of us were there like 10 minutes earlier. Finally, you implore everyone again to go to the web site and give her your money, because the Saudi shiekhs and the Russian uranium contractors can only contribute so much, and there are only so many universities and investment firms who can cough up $250,000 a speech. A gal's gotta eat to keep those thighs in tip-top shape, junior. And you don't think those fun charter flights Bill takes are free, do you? So I actually listened to the whole thing. It's been 11 hours since I ate and fortunately for me everything is pretty well digested. Maybe I was smart for going to bed and getting a good night's sleep first. If the boss sounds thinner than usual on the radio this morning (and don't try to tell me you can't sound thin . . . it's a state of mind, bro), now you'll know why.

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Dan Calabrese’s column is distributed by HermanCain.com, which can be found at HermanCain

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