-Satire-
In a last minute attempt to save her flagging campaign, convince voters that her service in the United States Senate would not be as inept as her campaign, and that she is indeed not a female version of Dan Quayle, Martha Coakley--Democratic opponent of Scott Brown in the upcoming Massachusetts Senatorial election--did what all politicians who are in deep trouble do: she called Stoos Views'own Hugh Betcha.
Hugh--Ace Reporter and Head of the Campaign Bureau of the Stoos Views media empire--a man who walks with kings and princes, received a frantic call on the eve of the election from Coakley, who was obviously distressed at her floundering campaign which seemed destined to go down to defeat to Brown--who, like Barack Obama, is young, articulate, hip, and actually in touch with his constituents.
While plowing through three feet of global warming residue in his driveway at Stoos Views Headquarters in Wynstone, South Dakota, where the air is clean, the crime rate low, the folks vote red, and the centre still holds, Hugh sensed the vibration of the cell phone in his pocket above the roar of his global warming residue blower. Like most politicians in Foggy Bottom, Martha had Hugh's phone number at the number one setting on her speed dial. Hugh shut off the mower and flipped open his phone.
"You gotta help me!" urged the frantic voice of Martha Coakley, who was calling from her home in Massachusetts.
"What's up?" asked the most trusted name in the news.
"The press is trying to paint me as a bimbo who is not in touch with her home state. You gotta stop them."
"Well," Hugh replied, "you might want to brush up on the spelling of your own state before you decide to run for the United States Senate. The voters might question your competence. After all, your campaign ad misspelled the name of your st--"
"--no big deal," she replied. "Of course I know that there are not two "e"s in 'Massachusetts.' That was just a dumb staffer and I fired him."
"Where are you calling from?" Hugh inquired.
"The capital--Medford," she replied.
"Uh--you mean Boston?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot. I live in Medford; the capital is Boston, I believe."
"Yeah," replied Hugh.
"Anyway, I called in the hopes that you could set the record straight and tell the folks I am not a female Dan Quayle and am qualified to represent the good folks of Massachusetts in the upcoming race for the House."
"You mean the Senate?" inquired Hugh.
"Of course, I misspoke," she replied nervously.
"About your knowledge of international politics and current events..." Hugh asked, "have you brushed up on that a little since last week?"
"Why of course. I have been reading a lot of newspapers lately and following events overseas. I read your column and the Canada Free Press of course."
"Well, the Afghanistan thing--you know that made people a little queasy."
"Yeah I simply misspoke....of course there are terrorists in Afghanistan--I knew this very well. We have been fighting Hamas there for over eight years now. Or is it Hezbollah? One of those anyway. Thank God Israel is there helping us fight those guys."
"Uh--"
"And the bit about Carl Shelling--you know that sports guy from my home state?"
"You mean Curt Schilling?"
"Whatever....Shelling, Schilling--Curt, Carl--who cares?"
"Well, he is pretty popular with the folks in your home state, or did you know that?"
"Yeah, but what do those dumb football players know about politics?"
"Uh, he didn't play football, he played---"
"--and the bit about shaking hands with the voters. Of course I would be happy to shake hands with the soccer fans outside of Fenceroy Park anytime. My schedule just did not permit it."
"Actually it is not Fenceroy P--"
"Yes, please tell the common people--the ones who watch soccer games at Fenceroy Park, who like to watch the Boston Bears play hockey, and the NASCAR fans who like to watch those fancy European racing cars, that I am one of them and have their interests at heart. I stand with Harry Reid and the liberals in the Senate and know what is best for the people of Massachusetts. What they want is more government, less control of their lives, more taxes, and liberal values. And, I agree with Harry Reid, leader of the Senate, when he said that Barney Obama 'is the best light skinned, articulate, Negro president we have ever had.'"
"Uh, actually it is Barack Obama..Barack."
"Barney, Barack, whatever..."
“His newest book, The Wind and the Spirit (Stories of Faith and Inspiration)” was released in 2011 with all the author’s royalties go to support the Carmelite sisters.”
