Chris Tingle’s Newest Man Crush and Sex With Martians

Chris “Tingle” Mathews, has a new man crush and that ole tingle is running up and down his leg once more. But this time, it is not President Obama–over whom he has fawned for four years since the 2008 election when he first swooned at the mere mention of Obama’s name--but rather ex-President Clinton who is the object of Tingle’s affection.

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However MSNBC’s (Most Sycophants Nuzzling Barack Constantly) strangest reporter set a new standard for bizarre reportage during the recent Democratic National Convention. And Hugh Betcha, voted Male Reporter Most Likely to Be Hit On by Chris Mathews, 2012, was there. As he listened to Clinton’s speech extolling the accomplishments of Obama’s first term–such as high unemployment, unsurpassed national debt, passage of a health care bill which Congress never read and the public never wanted, and a stagnant economy–Hugh reported that Tingle began to sweat profusely, mopping his brow frequently with a periwinkle handkerchief. Fanning himself with a copy of the convention program, Chris turned to Hugh and noted:

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“Wow, he is hot, huh?” “Whaddya mean?” Hugh asked. “Bill--I mean this guy is a hunk, huh?” “Well....” After an uncomfortable silence, Mathews began to rub his right leg repeatedly. “Did you feel that?” he asked Hugh. “What?” “The tingle, man, don’t you feel it? Reminds me of 2008,” Chris responded. “This guy is so hot that he could do it with Martians. Geeze, I can only imagine how Monica Lewinsky must have felt.” With that, Hugh discreetly moved his chair a foot or two away as Chris turned his head back toward the speaker. But he could not resist asking: “Martians?” “Yeah, you know,” Chris responded, “Clinton is so sexy he could make love to Martians.” Daring to explore the true depths of Chris’ weirdness, Hugh decided to play it out. “But why Martians?” “Well, the point is that Martians are sexy and Bill would appeal to them just as he does to me.” “And you know this how?” Hugh baited Tingle, in utter disbelief. “I have been there,” Chris replied. “Where?” “Mars, of course,” replied Mathews. “You mean—“ “Yes, Mars, been there. Many times. Very sexy, the Martians,” Chris whispered, brows furrowed. “I am sorry I have an interview to conduct on the floor,” Hugh replied, seeking desperately to escape the weirdness that was Chris Tingle. “But let me tell you how they do it----“ “—sorry gotta go,” replied Hugh as he beat a hasty retreat, leaving Chris staring at the ceiling and grinning ever so weirdly. Copyright © 2012 William Kevin Stoos

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