Dub: Mama’s Thoughts on Crematin:

Good morning! Welcome back to Miz Judi’s Kitchen…grab a chair and take a load off! This morning I’d like to rat…dern, caught myself, I bout said rat my Mamma out… but what I really meant to say was, tell a story about my Mamma!!

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Momma and Daddy have been married 55 years, God Bless ‘em both! But occasionally they’ll get into a spat or two, not fights mind ya, just little spats. Dad is a “stay at home” kinda guy. Oh, he’ll go on a trip, but after a couple, three days, he’s ready to head back home. Well this just aggravates Momma to no end, cause nine outta ten times she ain’t ready, but she’ll just pack up and head out with him, basically to shut him up about, “I wanna go home, Ruth!” They’d gone up to my sister’s house in North Carolina, to visit and spend a week. Well, two-three days later, Dad’s already tryin’ to convince Momma of all the reasons they really need to get back home! In this rare instance though, he may have been right. Our niece’s friend was killed in a car crash, plus my brother-in-law’s Mother, Mary, was visiting at the same time. As luck would have it, she had an accident on the stairs at my sister’s and she had to be rushed to the hospital! It was honestly just a terrible time, and during all this, Dad was nervous as a cat. Not to mention he’d gone deaf several years ago, but through the miracle of technology, he had an implant put into his head, which allows him to once again hear, but really well only in one on one cases mostly. This is because if too many people are talking at one time, it literally just becomes racket, or just noise. But all in all, if you talk low and clearly, he hears ya’ pretty well. So with all the excitement, I’m sure he was having a hard time. Yet, even though this time could in fact be forgiven, it’s all the other times, most of the time really, he just wants to “bail out,” and head back home! Again, this drives Momma nuts with him. Well, they indeed came home and Dad’s “happy as a lark,” while Momma’s still bout half PO’d with him. Deb and I happened to go see them just a few days after they’d come home, and after we’d left headed for home, Deb told me a story that had me in stitches! She said Momma was in fact still pretty upset they’d left my sister’s early. She was tellin’ Deb he pulls this blanket-blank all the time, and she was really beginin’ to get tired of it. She wasn’t gonna’ keep let him have his way in regards to that anymore! Then Deb let me in on the kicker too all this. She said Momma had told her “Somethin’ better not happen to him before me, cause if it does I’ll have him cremated, throw him in the backseat, and then haul his a.. all over the country, and stay just as da.. long as I want to!! I told Deb, “My Momma ain’t said nothing of the sort!” To which Deb fired back, “Maybe ya’ll don’t know women as good as ya’ll think you do!” I didn’t say another word, but sure was takin’ it all in! Thank ya’ll and God Bless! Dub

The Redneck Naturalist:

A redneck's trying to become a naturalist. First, he decides to study the flea. He takes a flea and puts it on a white piece of paper and yells: "JUMP!" The flea jumps, so the redneck cuts his legs off. "JUMP,” he yells again! But this time the flea doesn't jump. Pleased with himself, the redneck writes in his entry book: "After having his legs cut off, the flea became deaf." See ya next time, here in “Miz Judi’s Kitchen!!”