Faithful Auntie Maude, who always worries about hosting the annual, family Thanksgiving dinner at her house, saw her worst fears become reality earlier today.
Most bearing dishes that later get fed to the farm pigs, her brood arrived two hours ago.
After spats about seating arrangements at the Thanksgiving table were solved, two family members got up and walked out when Maude assigned Uncle Silas to say Grace. Uncle Silas arrived with "Bourbon Breath" and had no right to come on as pious , the departees threw over their shoulder while heading toward the door. All pleas for them to return were turned down, but they did call later from the corner bar. (No one really wanted to sit between the Smitty twins, each in excess of 300 "entitlement" pounds, who live only to Twit all things Obama).
Now all settled in, and after Grace was reassigned, personal disputes of the usual suspects began to bubble and surface.
Uncle Arnie, who had three helpings of mashed potatoes, threw a hissy fit when he discovered that Maude had forgotten to buy non-fat dairy creamer for his cuppa. Mighty put out by this oversight, he used Bailey's Cream Liquor instead.
Sister Thelma tossed a rage, when sister Bella told her to cool it on her incessant reminders about her allergy to walnuts, like the same ones in the Waldorf salad, and for calling her "the family nut".
By this time, Auntie Maude was hoping to skip the dessert lineup and thought of heading straight for the port.
Uncle Elroy, there every other year, was thought to be missing until someone noticed that was him in his Primus hidden under a snowbank.
Everybody was p-o'ed when brother Barney having just wiped the gravy off his necktie pointedly asked if there was a sugar substitute in the peach cobbler being passed his way a second time.
Some thought Niece Nellie was a hypocrite when she asked--after polishing off her plate--was the turkey free-range, organic, tofu stuffed, and whether the vegetables were hurt in any way during their processing. According to Nellie, "Carrots have feelings too!"
Cousin Billy Joe, who makes his living off of stolen cars, had the nerve to arrive with Obama's OFA script, and wanted all family members to memorize it. But no one was as angry as cousin Priscilla (Prissy) who, like Nancy Pelosi, can't blink because of her latest Botox injection. Prissy had other issues and blamed the the emotion that would be invoked by someone wanting to read aloud Obama's Thanksgiving Day Proclamation teleprompted from the golf course. Any tears, she insisted, would totally ruin her real mink eyelashes.
At least there were no fisticuffs 'round the dinner table this year, most family members being too worried about their loss of medical insurance.
At dinner's end, Maude was only thankful that no one had time to memorize "that rat-fink" Billy Joe's OFA talking points.
Only the dog, Ruthless, who scarfed down all the food given him with no questions or complaints, was this year's most grateful Thanksgiving guest
